what for i called him up? what for i wrote those stupid, almost weird status messages on my facebook profile? what was i wanting back then? what was my intention? to make a fool out of myself in front of him? to get myself mocked at by the whole friends community on facebook? what was i trying to gain? was it sympathy i wanted ? was it condolences? or was it just him that i craved for? was i making his life miserable? was i wanting to see him unhappy? was i getting insecure?
oh wait! did i just say insecure???? buy WHY? reason? was it not over long back? was it not supposed ever come back again? was it not a cruel truth i had faced ? was i not strong enough back then?? was it not just another love story????
when i called him up, it wasnt insecurity, it was longingness, for his voice, which i never wanted should fade away from my heart. when i wrote those lines up there, they were not for people to have pity on me. they were not for him to make him unhappy. oh lord! it wasnt my intention. they were for him to know how much i missed him, not to have him back....have him back????...never did i want that. for, how could i ever want pain back? the lies, the broken promises back? back again the folllies, back again the heart breaks, back again the illusion? back again the sadness. no, no! it wasnt him that i wanted back. ijust missed him. totally. but BACK? NO way!
and he thought i never wanted to see him happy! oh! sad interpretation!
humne apna jahaan unpe vaar diya
khwaishon ko, khushiyon ko bhi unpe luta diya
ek muskaan dekh saken uss chehre pe
iske liya apna woh ek khwaab bhi mita diya
aur vo keh chale ki tumne apni hasi ke liye
hamara sab kuchh ujaad diya...
what an irony!
some people will never understand. and after that one phone call i realised a very sad thing, very disapointing!something that forms and will continue to form the basis of all happiness (and sadness) on this earth. something that i took very long to understand, something that i refused to see in 2 years . something that suddenly and most , most suddenly dawned upon me, as if just awaiting that call. something that is permanent and something that i have come to believe very firmly of late. and that something is that there is no such thing as love . ya ya ya,,,,i sound too foolish! too controversial! but ........whatever!!!!!..i dont see why people waste so much time in it? what do theyy get? i mean, dont they have better things to do in life? do they not realise that its just a trap? and do they not undertand the implications of it? for, how can they fall into it, i mean....knowingly...huh!!! how can they not see the disastrous consequences? how can they ruin a life which is just too short??? haan????
welll, well...i wish i could believe the above said . though i do think that there IS a part of me that does believe all of it. but when will i get the"full" me to get in terms with this....hmmmmm....pata ni.....i dont even know if i want to believe this. but surely there isnt an escape. and better it is not to even find one. it will find you itself, sooner or later. but whats with the escape thingy???? i just mean time!!!! you dont hav to find time....(at least I havent been able to), it will find you itself...you just hav to trust, have faith and believe!!!!
BUT...........trust? faith? belief???
oh god!!!! is there an end to all these illusionary and almost misleading sentiments like trust and all???/ such a vicious cycle it is.....wow! amazing!
i am very sleepy....and i am not gonna re-read what i wrote because i know its completely useless stuff pointless...but ................WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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