history, not 'past'...

I havent really been in a “writing” mood in a long time now. Now, that definitely does not amount to saying that I have been extremely busy or anything. It only means that …..ummm…I just DID NOT feel like writing. Reasons are many (well, didn’t I just say that I didn’t feel like writing, so, is that not reason enough ) but anyway, let me elaborate.

Firstly, I have recently shifted to my new accommodation; it’s a single room on the third floor, with no attached bathrooms(ya ya ya , in my previous pg, I DID have a FULL bathroom /toilet attached with my room..:(), a spacious, “walk”able roof just outside my room, right in middle of bunglow road market from where I can have easy view of a lot many things, mc donalds, tom uncle’s magi point, kfc, becos, reliance web world , hansraj college, (if that counts!) and a lot many other places I might be forgetting which is basically to say that I am currently in one of the “most happening” places of north campus. But no, that’s not the reason I haven’t written for long. The real reason is that I have just taken a lot of time in the past few days to settle down. But whats with “settling down”, you readers might be wondering.? After all I have been out of my home, staying away from my parents, living in a hostel for more than a year now, so WHY now taking time to “settle down’? well, actually I have been trying to put a lot of pieces of an unsolved puzzle together in the recent past, something that seems to be taking a lot of time, patience, effort and introspection. Yes! That’s the key word- Introspection. By solving the puzzle I mean I have just been introspecting and putting things into place, “things” that went wrong in the past one year. Now, the last year has been a total fiasco in my life. And expected! Out of home into the “big bad world” as they call it, for the first time, meeting the “bure log”, again as they call it and living an “independent” life as they call it …ufff…these “they” seem to make a lot of sense most of the times! A lot of things went wrong because of a lot of things and to my surprise, mainly because of ME! SO So So, basically I have just been thinking a lot is the crux!

Besides “thinking”, quite a few things have been going on ….soon after returning from London, college started in full swing, with all the societies, dramsoc and debsoc mainly taking away most of my time, not to forget the fucchas who are highly boring. And this actually leads me to make a few remarks about our college societies and the strange “chair wars” going, and not to my surprise at all, for the society “posts”. I have, in the last few days of my college, actually seen people playing the “dirty” politics, if I may call it so, with my own eyes and I have been shocked to the core on seeing the utterly dishonest, selfish, shrewd, over-clever not to forget the conscience-less, principle-less and moral-less people (batch-mates) trying to “butter” the third years for acquiring the “posts” in the societies of their choice(and evidently so! I mean Mr.X was never so polite with Ms.Y who is the secretary of debsoc neither was Ms.A so “fond of” Mr.B, who is the secretary of dramsoc and wasn’t it only yesterday that Ms.G, who also happens to be a “friend” of mine, was bitching about Ms.H, who is the G.Sec of debsoc) and also trying to “foster” ties with the fucchas JUST so that they would vote for them when they stand in the college elections! I find it a not a little but highly strange that people will do all this at the cost of their values. I know I know, I sound so like mahatma Gandhi etc talking about principles and ethics and values and what not, but whatever! I feel disgusted to the heights when I come to think of all this. Anyway, why did I even bother writing so much about all this???!!!??? Perhaps, because itne din na likhne ki bhadaas nikal rahi hai yar! J J J

With all this college drama keeping me busy, I have had very little time to think about what people, at least second years like me, have been talking about a lot these days- CAT. Yes yes yes! Billi, about belling the CAT etc. The talk of the town is CL, TIME, IMS, etc institutes that give coaching for CAT. I have completely and thoroughly been feeling “out of place” when people around me start talking about taking THE “CAT”. All I have to say all the time is “listen guys, I am still undecided. I really don’t see why I should start “CAT”ting right now. I will take my own time in deciding” And true! I don’t see WHY!!!!!! Arrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Chalo, I toh will keep thinking about that but I really don’t want to. unfortunately, I have no choice!

All these things will continue to keep me pondering but on a little irrelevant side... I don’t know why I have been feeling a lot at peace with myself of late. Its as if a huge burden has gone off my shoulders, all my mistakes rectified and all my sadness vanished. Maybe that’s because of a lot of introspection and a lot of actions which should have been taken a long back. And also because I cease to be a resident of my old pg, called vidya jyoti , where I was always too restless and where I wasted all of my time loitering around here and there. At last, I am feeling that things are falling into place (touchwood!) and that I am much more comfortable in my own company than I was a year back., which , I would like to believe, is a very good thing. To put it in better words- as a result of re-discovering “ME”, I have actually and really found the “lost” me back, but am still ‘in the process of’ struggling to get the full “me” back!!!:)

Any way , anyway, enough of philosophy now. And enough of writing too. I don’t even know what I started writing this post for in the first place, but as it turns out, it gives a brief overview of my not so happening life in the last few days. That doesn’t serve no purpose, at least I am back to my blog!!!!..*sigh of relief*

P.s.- while I am writing this, sitting on my roof on a corner, I can see innumerable kites flying in the sky. I want to fly with them too….vo kya tha…”I wish I could fly, I wish i could touch the sky..” ..the view’s beautiful! Reminds me of the book and the movie - “the kite runner” brilliant people! Do read it!(watch it!)

PPS- happy independence day! J

the next few days.....

The last few days have been absolutely maddening……especially last night. LSE students organized this welcome party for the summer school students, called CRUSH…and what a party it was!!!!!!! I am generally not a party stuff, neither do I feel comfortable in an ambiance where all you do is booze, fag, get touchy with the opposite sex (the same, in a few exceptional cases), dance like crazy, shout , yell, hoot and scream on hearing your favourite song being played by the DJ, and sweat it out till you are down and out…..or better, high and exhausted!!! Last night was no different in terms of the outline I just sketched- guys and girls going tipsy on over drinking, bouncers trying to prevent some desperate Spanish guys from troubling a few girls (who, to my surprise, were dancing together on the dance floor after a while..*weird*),jam packed disc with blaring music and blinding lights, guys and girls getting so cozy with each other that even air couldn’t pass through…..and to top it all, my wacky friends from college who pulled me inside into the party even though I was happy standing on the side witnessing it all. One thing I will not deny is that I did have fun, maybe because it was the first party of its kind for me (which lasted around half an hour , after which I couldn’t stand the crowd, neither the loud music). But yes, for whatever time I was there , I had fun dancing with all my friends and losing control of myself for a while(trust me it doesn’t hurt once in a while)but I will not be very comfortable attending such parties in the future.*whatever*

One of the other crazy incidents happened when I , and one my friends lost our way to our accommodation from Trafalgar square at 12 midnight. I mean , its not too great to get lost on the London streets so late in the night with none of the maps helping. The deserted streets freaked me out completely and there was no bus which could take us to our destination. After a lot of walking and a lot of consoling job done by me to stop my friend from crying, we did find a bus which would take us to roseberry. After that day, I have so made it a point to return home on time..:)(

Besides, shopping is going on decently well. The oxford street is amazing. That’s because despite the oh-wow stores like Selfridges, debanhams, river island, next, m&s, primark, h&m etc and etc…, THE SALE IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!! And so i can easily shop without thinking too much about the prices! Lol.

My routine has been getting a little too monotonous for the past two or three days- attending lecture from 10 to 1, exploring the lse library from 1 to 4 then again attending class from 4 to 5, back to roseberry, sleep for 3 hours, wake up, study, chat, read etc and then again sleep. Have not been getting enough time to look around the place because my course is getting tougher by the day and I REALY NEED TO COPE UP…….given that almost all students in my class come from a business background and hence, obviously know much more than I do about the course content, I feel scared sometimes about how I am going to be performing in my exam, which is on the coming Wednesday. Shit! I really need to get back to books…..

I think this is pretty much all for now…..

Ttyl bloggy poggy…J

day 2- lse

its been a day and a half since i updated my bloggggyyyy poggyyyy with recent happenings straight from london.

well yesterday was a crazy day...in all sense of the word.

orientation and all.....tour of the LSE campus....!!!!! but CAMPUS???? man, its damn depressing ...the LSE CAMPUS...i mean there hardly IS any campus.......just three weirdly interconnected buildings with a lot of historic looking, monument-ish architecture crafted everywhere. whereas i expected a huge, some 100 acres campus with lush greeen gardens and stuff....but then , as someone rightly said..."what more do u expect in central london???""" true true...

view from my room

but then i must appreciate the multi storeyed library which inspired an awe in me...almost!!

keeping aside awe, it was also a "painful" day yesterday, given that we (me and kash) got lost in this place called High HOlborn when we were looking for a bust stop C, WB or X...we walked in a full circle (which we discovered later on) for around an hour when some kind gentleman helped us to the (most) desired stop. vaise, i HAve to say...london ppl are a little bit ignorant and unaware of their surroundings and have absolutely noo sense of direction when it comes to "rights" and "lefts" on streets and better...they are clueless about map reading...grrrrr....sometimes it seems to me that i am as lost in this city as these londoners are themselves. but the almost one hour hunt for a bus stop did me some good at least....i WALKED!!!! and this says a lot...;););) to say it explicitly, i think i am definitely going to be getting thin given that

a) i have to walk A LOT

b) i get no food to eat

all i had in the whole day yesterday was two slices of bread, a glass of milk, an ice cream cone and an apple pie....*sniffs*

i have been comparitively luckier today in the sense that i happened to bump into this departmental store selling indian buffet, a little costly, but ANYTHING for indian food..lolz

my classes started today, sorry...lectures. three hours straight...and guess what...i didn't fall asleep!!!!! :) it was pretty intersting and we already have "home work" to do!!!!

going to rest for while now....loads of shopping awaits me in the evening!!!!:):):)

LSE Summer School

Ohhhh…kkk….so finally the long awaited destination is reached…..the oh-so-wow dream travel country, the most exciting and happening tourist destination and the heartthrob of many is here before my eyes….splendid, ecstatic, stupefied and dumb-struck was what I was supposed to feel on seeing London, and wasn’t it also meant to be love at first sight with this Kingdom???? Sadly, its none of the above. After less than 24 hours of staying in this place, (90,Roseberry avenue, Central London, the Lse residence hall where I am putting up), and exploring high-end crowded places like Trafalgar street, Leicester square, Northumberland Avenue and some other complexly pronounced streets of whose name I am forgetting right now, I can say(not so safely though, given the amount of time spent) that London disappoints me. L ok, I don’t disagree that its clean, beautiful, noisy but peaceful at the same time, but I also have a weird feeling here. Right from the time my taxi took me out from the Heathrow airport till now, when I am sitting cozily in my bed typing this and its 2.10 am , Greenwich time, I have had a very eerie feeling with respect to London. Maybe its because I came here with a whole bunch of expectations in my head which obviously have been turned down, but in a way have taught me to stop forming pre conceived notions about people and places….Wait ….did I just say “people”???? forming pre conceived notions about “people”????oh yes, I just did. And here is where the root cause of all my disappointment lies..PEOPLE. Right from when I landed, to when I was traveling in the tube, to when I was exploring the Tesco supermarket, to when I was buying French fries and at so many other instances, people of London have disappointed me. Ok, no offence and with utmost respect to the citizens of this country, I have to say that whoever I have come across till now has either been rude, or indifferent, or snob, or cold or mainly…”un” warm. If people are falling all over each other in the tube (that’s the London metro), the person right adjacent to you gives you a strong stare as if trying to make you feel guilty for what you are doing, even though he may be doing exactly what you are doing… which is falling over the person right next to him because it is DAMN CROWDED!!!! And NOT because we like leaning against or falling onto other people. If you try buying a sub from the Subway, which, by the way is the cheapest eating option in London) and by chance, just by mistake you fail to understand the weird british accent in which they are asking you which sauce they should put on your Sub and you happen to reply in a “Sorry?”, they close your sub, don’t bother to repeat what they said and your order gets packed, AND you pay a 1.99 pound for a sub, that too WITHOUT the sauce..wow!!! many like incidents in a very short span of time…have given me a sort of negative feel about the Londoners. But I am hopeful of finding better people to talk to in the next 22 days that I am here and want to believe that the first day’s tete-a-tete with some weird people was a sheer bad luck and that’s all.

P.S. The highlights of the day were :

A full fledged Gay parade at the Leicester square. Honestly, it was one heck of an experience to watch so many bisexuals together at the same time, same place, all walking so proudly with the most colourful of costumes, decorations, dancing and singing their way to glory with loud, blaring music in the background and it seemed as if the whole of London had gathered there to cheer for them. All shouted, hooted and yelled to make it the liveliest parade I have ever come across.

My FIRST tube journey from Embankment station to Angel for which I was officially supposed to be changing one line but ended up changing five(!!!) because due to some technical difficulties the “circle” line had to be changed for the “hammersmith & city” line and later for the ‘district” line….ummmmok forget it,,,,its complex!!!!

My stroll in Roseberry avenue around 11 at night, trying to hunt for food…..Vegetarian food ….and ended up finding all the departmental stores closed, thereby voiding my chance of buying my last hope…bread and butter!!! And had to ultimately settle for French fries…..

These were by far the highlights which I could recall right now while I am feeling damn sleepy, besides that London girls I think are hot, always half dressed, or so I think and guys are hotter, trust me!!!!! J and wait, did I even mention a word about my accommodation!!!???!!! To acquaint you a little, its situated at a fairly silent place from where Marks & Spencer , Body Shop & Burberry are just 15 minutes walking *winx* and people are active mainly at night, whereas during day time, there is hardly any soul to be found. I have my single room at a fairly amazing location from where I can see half the roseberry street. So its all cool, waiting for it to get cooler!!! By the way, cool reminds me……….the temperature is around 15 degrees right now….:) *shivers*

CONSUMED IN (BY) LOVE:

No more does my body soften

When my lips take shape of your name

No more does the heart miss a beat

When I see your indifference still the same

No more does a smile sparkle

On the once so cheerful face

No more do the eyes carry

The endless dreams made at a pace

No more is the moon looked at

With a belief so indomitable

No more is the rising sun

Any reason for the spirit so infallible

No more do the prayers contain

Your name once so religiously taken

No more do the words read

Find a trace of you in this epic so shaken

No more does a respect flow

Which once did for your kind heart

No more is the bond felt

Which did even when we were torn apart

No more are you the reason for my being

No more are you the truth I kept on fleeing

No more are you the faith which kept me going

No more are you the God which kept me flowing

No more am I the pieces on being consumed by your love

No more do I try rearranging the broken pieces into one

No more are you the blessing that I cursed under my breath

No more are you the slow poison that gave me a silent death…

Sometimes I sit and wonder....

Sometimes I sit and wonder
How this world could be such a mess.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How the happiness left could be so less.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How everything was so perfect a while ago
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How it has suddenly become so tough to get into the flow.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How beautiful the times were
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How happy both of us were.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I used to get lost in those eyes
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How he stood by me through my laughs and cries
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How his was the most pious touch
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How the time spent with him was never too much.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How those arms were the most comforting ones
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How his fingers were the most caressing ones.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I could say almost anything without twice thinking
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How patiently he heard without even blinking.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How stupid and idiotic he was at times
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How we discussed caramel cookies, strawberries and limes
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How he would scold me like an oldie
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I would be like a naïve child listening so carefully
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why I miss those times like crazy
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why this world has turned so grey and hazy.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How to get out of this pain
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How all such efforts would be in vain
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why HE doesn’t come to aid
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Its Him only who has made such a fate…

Renaissance...

Today I had a very strange dream. “strange” because its not everyday that I see a dream in which a shadow is standing right in front of my eyes mocking at me for losing something too precious. The shadow kept on hovering around me for an indefinite period of time and kept laughing at the way I have become, the way I have stagnated, at the way I seem to have been trapped in a web, a cobweb from where there’s no escape, at the way I have become almost insane and lost all sight of reality, at the way I am so oblivious of the fact that the world has moved on so fast , at the way I remain a mere spectator…
The shadow kept giggling at confused me. I only remember the laughs, the cold, almost pricking laughter which is so unkind that will kill anybody to death. There were hundreds, almost thousands of arrows that were being aimed at me by the shadow to ensure my death. I tried asking why. I shouted, screamed, yelled at the top of my voice in that dingy, dark and obscure place which was illuminated by the incandescent blue lights all around. I screamed to ask why it was doing this to me. Along with the eagerness to save myself wad the curiosity to know who the shadow was or at least what the shadow was. Not just mentally and vocally now, even physically I was struggling to save myself from the agony ….and the arrows. I tried using both my hands and my legs and every possible body part to unmask the shadow and bring in light from somewhere which would destroy it… but all my efforts went in vain as one arrow went right across the right side of my neck and threw me aside. I screamed for help. It only said “that serves you right”. I asked again why it was hurting me. It said “ you should have moved on you fool. There is no place for dumb spectators in this world. So you must go where you belong and rot there. Don’t you see nobody cares? Don’t you see its all about forgetting the past and moving on?”
I kept looking at it, the shadow, tried unmasking it, kept struggling and kept on listening to its voice which kept fading away. And then….another arrow that pierced through my belly. I cried aloud. But then stopped struggling. My eyes fixed on the shadow but slowly losing sight. I had stopped struggling to save myself but had not stopped trying to get its identity revealed. Although all strength had left me, my hands kept getting nearer to the shadow’s face. But then suddenly….the final blow….just when I was about to unravel the mystery, the final arrow pierced through my heart and when it did, right through my heart, I remembered cupid. And then came a smile on my face. And then I found peace. Just when I was about to close my eyes for the final time…. I saw the shadow’s face. I kept remembering cupid. I saw its face. And then came the perennial smile on my face, and two tear drops fell from both the eyes. The face was his. And as soon as I saw his face, the face of my love, the face of my life, the face of my death, I forgot all pain. There was solace in that face I saw. All the previous suffering lost all meaning instantaneously. And as I saw his face for the last time, even though it was killing me,, there was perfect happiness , that which cant be explained in words. After I shut my eyes, there was maximum satisfaction of the maximum number for I saw the face of my life when I did and after death came a beautiful life, where I DID remain another spectator, but a satisfied one, not parched., for death came at the hands of my own love. Post death, I saw rebirth of love. Post death, there was little suffering. Post death, I was content. Post death, I loved him even more…