Rockstar senior!!!

when you newly enter college, you are usually supposed to have a crush on someone...batchmates, seniors, or even teachers...
i had one too.
this guy , i looked at him for the first time and found him to be the more sophisticated people around. given that the usual crowd of college was roudy, noisy, hep n happening, or even worse..the champu, nerd, jackass type crowd. (like duh! its srcc after all. what else do u expect?:)
so ya, on this one i had an immediate crush. i called him "intellectually hot".
his demeanour was reserved (or so i thought), his style of eloquence was perfect, as if coming from a well read man. each word , it seemed came out after a lot of thought process, weighing each connotation. the way he walked was perfect, full of confidence, "i dont give a shit to the world, but yeah, if need be, i do care for all" attitude.
yes ppl! i had a major crush on him.
soon, when i got the opportunity to talk to him(that was because we both were in the same societies of college), many pre conceived notions were wiped off.
firstly, the misconception about him being reserved disappeared into thin air quickly. he DID talk ppl, but intelligently.
secondly, the whole notion of him being a show off and a snob also faded because after all, i discovered that he too was one of them....funloving and happy going.
lastly, my views on him being "intellectually hot" remained there. intact.
man, he was university topper in frst two years of college, was an amazing debater, excellent actor, even director etc etc.
gradually when our conversations increased, my crush was over. i dont know why , but it was.
ok maybe i know why.
thats beacause i have a policy in life....when i respect somebody exclusively for his intellect, i dont keep a crush on him. i only keep it to respect. he becomes somebody i always keep admiring and learn from.
so now that abhimanyu is about to leave college, i will miss one of my most respected seniors i had ever come across. i may never have told him how much i used to look up to him, but now that he is about to step into his new life, i wish him all the very best in life. and also curse him for leaving college a boring place again, i mean left with not so great seniors anymore.
i want you to go to LSE abhimanyu, (of course only if cambridge, oxford etc dont happen). i will finance it dont worry. haha . main bond hun!!!.
here's wishing you all the success in life....and much more.
do great! rock the universe!
conquer all! aur haan...wil miss your cheek-pulling! :)
loads of luck!
rock on!

P.S. this little note was written when i was just going over in my mind the happenings of the past one year in college. i thought this was tthe most intersting part in my not so hapening life these days. thought of titling it as "tribute to abhimanyu" earlier but thought it to be too sombre later.
so here goes....rockstar senior:)
truly, u rock !

Pas de Raison...

I try to reason out in my head. I try very hard. I go over the whole series of events again and again. I make a mental picture of the pros and cons , the pitfalls and the positives, the shortcomings and the triumphs. Or should I say I TRY to at least. But I fail and fail miserably, horribly, pathetically. Because I CANT reason it out. For, how can you reason out love? How can you reason out reasons for love? How can you reason out a “break up”? How can you reason out “end” of a relationship? How can you reason out a long beautiful relation? How can you reason out separation from that someone special? How can you reason out that are far from being reasoned out by us immortals.
How can you reason out something even God failed to?

Love: an ambiguous term, very complex. More than a million definitions. Not one universally accepted. And good enough.
Now look at this one;
Break up: yes! One definition and solely one- end of a relationship.
Strange! Very strange! Just one stupid , “arrogant”, overpowering and superior definition of something that hurts, over something that gives pure joy and nothing else. I CANT reason it out. I WILL not.

I was asked many times-“ Meenal, why do you love me?” My answer each time would be –“ I don’t know!” now this might have sounded to him like I am confused, unsure of staying with him., unsure of love. But who was to tell him that I loved him because I had no reason. And was happy that way. Who was to tell him that o extracted pure joy out of just being “US” and not out of the materialistic pleasures? Who was to tell him that my love was reasonless, Not baseless.? Because my basis of love was his happiness. Just one smile on his face and I could die for it…………….SO….was I living in extremes then? Maybe! So, was I impractical? Maybe! Was I just living in illusions? NO!!! because I knew my love was real., in this real big, bad world. This love gave me happiness boundless. This love gave my life a meaning. This love gave me infinite dreams. This love gave me countless memorable experiences. This love brought me closer to the Divine. This love taught me to forgive…

But hey! Why the hell am I talking in past tense???
Is it all a distant reality to me? Absolutely not! No, because this love is as close to my heart as anything can be. This love is not my past, but my present and my future. This love hasn’t turned into “hatred” over just one random night because he made some mistakes and so did I ; or whatever the “reasons”. This live hasn’t died just because on one random day we decide to “break up” and “end” the relation. This love hasn’t ceased to be love just because some harsh words were exchanged and goodbyes said. This love IS STILL love for the purity of the feelings involved.

Ok now, I the truth is that I haven’t stopped loving him, even though I may fail to “reason it out”. I do. But now there’s a difference. The difference is small. The difference is this- pre-“break up”, there were things we both in some ways expected from each other; post- “break up”, there are no expectations. I love him but I don’t expect him to love me back. I love him but I don’t need him to reciprocate. I love him but I don’t possess him. I love him but I don’t wait. I love him but he is still not with me. I love him but I am happy to see him from a distance-happy and cheerful and successful. I love him but expect no companionship from him. I love him but demand no answers. I love him but I don’t choose to. I love him. It’s a Divine decision, I know. I love him and I forgive him…

There is solace in forgiveness. AND there is reason for forgiveness, unlike love, where there is none. And the reason for forgiveness is loveJ. When you love someone deeply and without a reason, you usually forgive. When you love someone without choosing to, you forgive that someone too.

Whoever said and said so correctly “ You never choose to love. If you could, life would be much simpler but far less magical…”
Totally agree. So, for the magic of it all, I am here….still in love.
---
In love forever….:)

P.S. the title's french...meaning "reasonless"

What use love?

Sparks flew the first time Aviral laid his eyes on Avantika. They were just 16. The moment he saw her, he knew they were made for each other. They were going to be the perfect couple, he thought. They were going to spend the rest of their lives with each other, he imagined. They will fight with the world to be together always, he concluded. Yes, it was love at first sight for the both of them.
As it happened, there was initial reluctance on their part for quite some time. Both were shy to start a conversation. She hoped she could just bump into him and talk at least a few words of “sorry” or “excuse me”. He dreamt that she would come up to him one day and ask for a pen or a pencil or a paper or a screw or a nail or anything, no matter what. (he could bring for her stars from the sky). But both sides were wary. Then one fine day finally, Aviral mustered the courage to walk up to Avantika and talk. Her happiness knew no boundaries. She could almost faint. She was standing in a group with her friends when he strikes a conversation, (or at least tries). But Avantika is lost in her own world. She was dumbstruck. Words failed her. She kept on staring at Aviral. She kept on gaping. Not a word from her. She kept her gaze fixed on Aviral when he was talking to her other friends. He is so perfect, she thought. He is the one for me. He is my Prince charming. He is the king of my heart. I am in love with him. She was lost in her thoughts when, “ Avantika, what do you have to say about it?” asked Aviral. She had no clue what he was asking. She just gave him a smile, later on thought it was dumb. THIS was their first “conversation”.
Liking was from both the sides. Maybe it was only infatuation. But gradually they started talking to each other more comfortably. Over a period of time, to the envy of many, they became the best of buddies in school. He was year senior to her. For some time, Avantika had forgotten about the “love” element (or maybe she just wanted to). Aviral had not. For her, he was the perfect friend (or so she tried to believe). For him, she was the perfect soul mate.
Then came the day. He proposed “Avantika, I love you. Will you be mine?”. She took a long pause. Then said ‘ Aviral, its going to be almost a year since we have been liking each other. Over the years, this liking has only grown. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. I knew the same was true for you too. I could not abstain myself from talking to you. Hence we became very good friends. Today, you are someone who knows me inside out, even better than I know myself. But there’s a problem. ……. I cannot say yes to your proposal. No matter how much I hate to say this but the truth is that if I say yes to you and my parents discover, you will be a dead man. And probably, I ,a dead woman. I cant risk it all because I love you too. My parents will never be able to digest the fact that their daughter can have a boyfriend. They are too orthodox. For them, love does not exist. And I have accepted it as my fate not to love anybody. But trust me….i have betrayed my own faith. I did fall in love with you no matter how much I tried not to. It was beyond me. And today when I have to say all this to you, I hate myself. I know I have hurt you. I know I am a traitor. But I just hope you understand. I love you Aviral. I always will. But this is our destiny. The sooner we accept it , the better it is.”
Aviral had tears in his eyes. All he said was “Avantika, I love you and I will always wait for you”
Since that day, they didn’t see any more of each other. A friendship had died. A love had passed into oblivion.

Ok now you might be thinking from where I gathered the idea of narrating a random story to you. The idea is this: Avantika is a very good friend of mine. And I have seen her through this trauma of loveless love. I have seen her crying day and night for Aviral. I know she loves him endlessly but will never see him again. She chooses not to. If she does, the consequences are all known to her. And Aviral too loves him dearly….still. It has been almost 2 years. Aviral hasn’t dated any other girl. He will not. I know. For, his love is so pure. He is waiting , waiting in anticipation. But she will not come. Perhaps he knows it too, in his hearts of hearts.
Oh what a love!
I think this is the most beautiful form of love ever created by God.
Both have it in them, just that they cant give it to the other.
Hoping they could reunite one day, if not in this birth, maybe in some other. I know they will. For love never dies. It will manifest itself in some other form.
Till then, Avi and Avatika, ….. keep loving!

P.S. I think there is a huge sacrifice made by these two humans. But what use this sacrifice, if the fruit will not be sweet. I fail to understand why parents fail to understand love. I fail to understand this hatred towards love marriages in our society. I fail to see why this trend of arranged “forced” marriages in our society. Why should Avantika be bereft of love, this I don’t understand. Why Aviral should keep waiting indefinitely, I again don’t understand. Perhaps I never will. What pathos of love! a

What Happens when...

What happens when hope dies?
What happens when that single ray of light coming from a hole in that deep dark tunnel suddenly disappears?
What happens when you wake up in the morning only to find out that life has lost all meaning?
What happens when each moment you breathe, you feel deeply heavy on the inside? What happens when all fragrances change into odors?
What happens when all you want to do the whole day is cry?
What happens when the beautiful dreams that you once saw turn into nightmares and far fetched distant unachievable heights?
What happens when you want to say a1000 sacks full of words to someone but somehow the courage shies away?
What happens when all you want to do is slap someone right across the face but somehow the opportune time never comes?
What happens when reality suddenly dawns upon you and you feel helpless?
What happens when you feel you have been locked in a small, suffocating, dark, dingy, damp room with no air and only vacuum?
What happens when demons start haunting you?
What happens when sweat trickles down your forehead by the very thought of that person?
What happens when all you can feel is thorns and more thorns but not roses?
What happens when each memory kills you?
What happens when you feel cheated?
What happens when you lose interest in everything you do and everyone you meet?
What happens when you realize that life is not after all a bed of roses?
What happens when you want to love but cannot?
THIS happens:
You breathe but don’t live;
You smile but you are never happy;
You sing, but the song is not yours;
You dance but the beats are not yours;
You touch but the feel is not yours;
You say but the words are not yours;
You play but the game is never yours;
You win, but the victory is not yours;
You achieve but the success is not yours;
You enjoy but the moments are not yours;
You cry and even the tears are not yours;
You survive but the heart is not yours….
(for, your heart has long been gone, long been taken, long been played with, long been broken, long been shattered, long been spit on, long been made to lose its identity…)

I wish...

I wish my dreams weren’t broken,
I wish I could re-dream.
I wish my world wasn’t shattered,
I wish I could rebuild it.
I wish my life hadn’t stopped,
I wish something could keep me going.
I wish my tears hadn’t dried,
I wish I could cry a little more.
I wish my happiness wasn’t taken away,
I wish I could smile still.
I wish my trust wasn’t broken into pieces,
I wish I could rejoin the pieces.
I wish my hope wasn’t mutilated,
I wish I could hope against hope.
I wish the flowers hadn’t died,
I wish I could water the orchids again.
I wish the song hadn’t perished,
I wish I could sing the song again.
I wish the sky wasn’t dull,
I wish I could still see a rainbow up there.
I wish the birds weren’t caged,
I wish the pigeons could fly back again.
I wish the rain drops hadn’t dried,
I wish I could dance in the rain again.
I wish the books weren’t mundane,
I wish I could enjoy them again.
I wish the moon hadn’t stopped glowing,
I wish we could see it together again.
I wish the stars hadn’t stopped twinkling,
I wish they could sparkle on us again.
I wish all colors hadn’t turned black and white,
I wish I could paint my own canvas pink again.
I wish my life hadn’t gone,
I wish I could live with my life again.
I wish my words hadn’t died,
I wish I could say them again.
I wish the courage hadn’t disappeared,
I wish I could muster it back again to tell you…
That I still love you…
I wish I could…

Love is you and me...

It all started when I was only 16- innocent, immature and gullible. Little did I know the repercussions , little did I realize the consequences then. But then, who does when they are falling in love? Yes, it was a journey I always wanted to embark, a road I always wanted to travel. I always wanted to fall in love. No! not because there were so many couples around me in high school but because I had read about it, love. Its pure they said, its magical. Yes! That’s the key word. Primarily for the joy of experiencing the magic, I wanted to fall in love. Don’t mistake me as being a romantic or anything. I was just a dreamer, a big one at that. Every night before falling asleep, I used to visualize myself in the arms of that one man I could love and love for eternity. Yes! I waited for my prince charming. This might seem like the story of any young girl my age. But who said it isn’t? what I am writing here is not to express some out of the world story of an extraordinary girl. What I am narrating here is just another experience of an ordinary girl which changed her life forever…
Yes, this is my story. I, Meenal, who heard no bells ringing in her head when her prince charming came into her life, or should I say…quietly crept in. I had just entered high school and he was new in school. Unconcerned, with an ‘I don’t give a damn to the world” attitude, I was always one of the most happy-go-lucky types girls. When I saw him for the first time in school, I didn’t react. … No! not because I didn’t feel for him, but mainly because I didn’t feel anything at all. He was just another guy who had newly joined the school I had been studying in for the past 12 years. I was like a boss then. MY school, I said. That’s perhaps all I recall of seeing him for the first time. (excuse me for not specifying details, that’s because of my poor memory). Then, ….as I said, I heard no bells ringing, no orchestra, no bands. He came quietly, we started talking as a part of some school project we had taken up together. All this while when we interacted-in library, in computer labs, in the canteen, outside our classrooms(we were in different sections) etc etc, I never got a hint that he liked me in THAT way. You know what way I am talking about. Gradually, we started seeing more of each other. In my case I wanted to because I just like his company. in his case, reasons were different. How was I to know that he had been trying to know my feelings for him all this while when our conversations increased? (this he told me later). We talked about a lot of random things, mainly our project, he used to pull my cheeks and my leg (hey! Not literally). I was all very nice and fancy. Then came the day…October 5. I clearly remember even the time. But of us were sitting in front of a computer in the computer lab of the school., working on the project. Then he starts off…yes, those were the moments of happiness, those were the moments of absolute bliss. He proposed. I said yes. Now, this is what marked the turning point of it all. Honestly, when he proposed, I had no clue what it meant to be a girlfriend to a boyfriend, what it means to be “going out”, or “dating” or “seeing each other”. All these were just too fashionable terms for me. But from that day on….mind you. FROM that day on, I started falling in love. Initially I just enjoyed his company. Now I started loving it. Mind you, there’s a major difference between the two. Day by day, with more “I love yous” exchanged and more secrets shared and more of each others’ life history narrated to each other, it became intense. I started becoming his worshipper. Its too big a word with too big a connotation, I know. But that’s true, I respected that man for whatever he was, whoever he was and moreover, howsoever he was-good or bad.
The initial days were fine. But then came a very testing period. Both of us, as I mentioned, were in high school and had a lot of career building lying ahead of us. So, with mutual understanding, he decreased his frequency of coming to school since he had his science tuitions to attend. Arey bhai, after all he was preparing for IIT. Anyway, for me, it wasn’t the same. I attended school regularly. I was a “commercie: you know. He used to come to school once in every week or sometimes 10 days. Our telephonic conversations weren’t too great either because of the fear of our parents(you know how it is , don’t you?). so, meeting after days together used to be a delight, a celebration in its own way. Life was very well then, very good, very unpredictable, for we didn’t know where we were headed. All I knew was that I was now deeply, madly, crazily in love with this one man; this one man in the whole world I could die for, I was living for and this one man who was my prince charming, the king of my heart. In a way, being with him gave me an inspiration to study, I studied really hard, of one thing I was sure…I had got addicted to him. Again a big, heavy word. But true. Truest to the core. For around a year and a half it was like this. I remember everything-our first hug, our first gift, first fight etc etc.
During all this while, life was very rosy. We were going through the most crucial (in terms of studies) period of our lives. But you know how it is; when you have someone you know you can hold on to, it makes all the difference in the world. As our examination time neared, our conversations decreased to a bare minimum. But love became stronger, much stronger…or so I thought…and wanted to believe.
But no…life was to take a different turn altogether. After he was done with all his major exams,(let me remind you that I was free after my high school exams, he wasn’t. he had other competitive exams to appear for) , it seemed to me that he cut all contact, no phone calls etc. I didn’t want to believe it. In fact, I never even thought about it. But it was all very true…and happening! Yes, distances started growing between both of us. I tried contacting him after a while. All he had to say was “lets meet”. We did. Who knew that meeting would be devastating? After almost two years of being in a relationship, all he had to tell me was “ ok Meenal, I don’t think we can carry on. I have too much of a family pressure. I cant see how I can be committed to you”. Sky fell on me. I knew no reason. I had no reason. But all was said and done. “WE” were over. I cried, but of course. But I wondered how easy it was for him, not so for me. something inside me still told me that we would be back together. Then, as fate would have it, we met again, in a train this time. We were both headed towards Delhi, sitting in the same compartment. (oh sorry! I forgot to mention before that we had both made it to our dream destinations in Delhi). He comes, apologizes and over the next few days, we were back together, back to normal, I thanked God because brains prevailed. But it wasn’t to last any longer. We “broke up” once again, we “made up” once again too. In all these times, he had only one thing to say to me-“Meenal, I’m confused”.
I used to ask myself this question every time he said this to me. Why am I not so confused? Why can I be so committed when he cant be? But I didn’t blame him, for it wasn’t his fault, this confusion. He called it the standard male fear of commitment. He kept coming back to me, I kept accepting him. In a way I understood everything-his anxiety, his frustration, his dilemma. Yet I was helpless. I could not do anything to make him feel better. All I could do was be with him, which I was, irrespective of whether we broke up or not. Despite all this, I knew one thing for sure-that I am going to stand by this man through the thick and thin, through the joy and the pain for one sole reason that I loved him. For, how could I snap this relation which was that of love- pure and unadulterated, pious and religious for me. I did not. I could not.

Now This happened when we were together, going fine. He calls, breaks up. December 19. and we split. But this time there was a difference. The difference was this- we split forever. I knew he will not come back this time. All he said was “ Meenal, I am by nature a butterfly, I am confused. I cant ruin your life by being with you. Goodbye.” Devastated yet again I was. I was falling apart. So easily said, so effortlessly, with so much conviction. Not ruin my life????? Who was to tell him that m life had already been ruined. For me, whose life was intertwined with his. For me, who had accepted him as her soul mate, as her better half. At that point in time, on the spur of the moment, in the rage of words, I told him that I hated him. But now when I introspect, I know. How can you hate someone you have loved so devotedly and religiously for so long, for a lifetime almost? How can you hate that someone who filled all the empty spaces in your life, that someone who made your life special, that someone who meant the world to you, that someone who you worshipped, that someone who was Divine to you? How can you just “get over” (another fashionable term) that someone who was everything for you?

If loving someone is getting over someone after a while, then I hate love. If loving is hating someone after a while, then I hate love. If loving is snapping love, then I hate love. But I know this isn’t love. For, loving is loving someone forever. For, loving is not “getting over” someone but overlooking his mistakes. For, love is not for the other to define. For, love is for you to define. For, love is you and me. For, love is for eternity…

P.S. you never fall out of love, you always fall IN it. Oh! How true…you always “fall” in love, never rise…you have to…