Love is you and me...

It all started when I was only 16- innocent, immature and gullible. Little did I know the repercussions , little did I realize the consequences then. But then, who does when they are falling in love? Yes, it was a journey I always wanted to embark, a road I always wanted to travel. I always wanted to fall in love. No! not because there were so many couples around me in high school but because I had read about it, love. Its pure they said, its magical. Yes! That’s the key word. Primarily for the joy of experiencing the magic, I wanted to fall in love. Don’t mistake me as being a romantic or anything. I was just a dreamer, a big one at that. Every night before falling asleep, I used to visualize myself in the arms of that one man I could love and love for eternity. Yes! I waited for my prince charming. This might seem like the story of any young girl my age. But who said it isn’t? what I am writing here is not to express some out of the world story of an extraordinary girl. What I am narrating here is just another experience of an ordinary girl which changed her life forever…
Yes, this is my story. I, Meenal, who heard no bells ringing in her head when her prince charming came into her life, or should I say…quietly crept in. I had just entered high school and he was new in school. Unconcerned, with an ‘I don’t give a damn to the world” attitude, I was always one of the most happy-go-lucky types girls. When I saw him for the first time in school, I didn’t react. … No! not because I didn’t feel for him, but mainly because I didn’t feel anything at all. He was just another guy who had newly joined the school I had been studying in for the past 12 years. I was like a boss then. MY school, I said. That’s perhaps all I recall of seeing him for the first time. (excuse me for not specifying details, that’s because of my poor memory). Then, ….as I said, I heard no bells ringing, no orchestra, no bands. He came quietly, we started talking as a part of some school project we had taken up together. All this while when we interacted-in library, in computer labs, in the canteen, outside our classrooms(we were in different sections) etc etc, I never got a hint that he liked me in THAT way. You know what way I am talking about. Gradually, we started seeing more of each other. In my case I wanted to because I just like his company. in his case, reasons were different. How was I to know that he had been trying to know my feelings for him all this while when our conversations increased? (this he told me later). We talked about a lot of random things, mainly our project, he used to pull my cheeks and my leg (hey! Not literally). I was all very nice and fancy. Then came the day…October 5. I clearly remember even the time. But of us were sitting in front of a computer in the computer lab of the school., working on the project. Then he starts off…yes, those were the moments of happiness, those were the moments of absolute bliss. He proposed. I said yes. Now, this is what marked the turning point of it all. Honestly, when he proposed, I had no clue what it meant to be a girlfriend to a boyfriend, what it means to be “going out”, or “dating” or “seeing each other”. All these were just too fashionable terms for me. But from that day on….mind you. FROM that day on, I started falling in love. Initially I just enjoyed his company. Now I started loving it. Mind you, there’s a major difference between the two. Day by day, with more “I love yous” exchanged and more secrets shared and more of each others’ life history narrated to each other, it became intense. I started becoming his worshipper. Its too big a word with too big a connotation, I know. But that’s true, I respected that man for whatever he was, whoever he was and moreover, howsoever he was-good or bad.
The initial days were fine. But then came a very testing period. Both of us, as I mentioned, were in high school and had a lot of career building lying ahead of us. So, with mutual understanding, he decreased his frequency of coming to school since he had his science tuitions to attend. Arey bhai, after all he was preparing for IIT. Anyway, for me, it wasn’t the same. I attended school regularly. I was a “commercie: you know. He used to come to school once in every week or sometimes 10 days. Our telephonic conversations weren’t too great either because of the fear of our parents(you know how it is , don’t you?). so, meeting after days together used to be a delight, a celebration in its own way. Life was very well then, very good, very unpredictable, for we didn’t know where we were headed. All I knew was that I was now deeply, madly, crazily in love with this one man; this one man in the whole world I could die for, I was living for and this one man who was my prince charming, the king of my heart. In a way, being with him gave me an inspiration to study, I studied really hard, of one thing I was sure…I had got addicted to him. Again a big, heavy word. But true. Truest to the core. For around a year and a half it was like this. I remember everything-our first hug, our first gift, first fight etc etc.
During all this while, life was very rosy. We were going through the most crucial (in terms of studies) period of our lives. But you know how it is; when you have someone you know you can hold on to, it makes all the difference in the world. As our examination time neared, our conversations decreased to a bare minimum. But love became stronger, much stronger…or so I thought…and wanted to believe.
But no…life was to take a different turn altogether. After he was done with all his major exams,(let me remind you that I was free after my high school exams, he wasn’t. he had other competitive exams to appear for) , it seemed to me that he cut all contact, no phone calls etc. I didn’t want to believe it. In fact, I never even thought about it. But it was all very true…and happening! Yes, distances started growing between both of us. I tried contacting him after a while. All he had to say was “lets meet”. We did. Who knew that meeting would be devastating? After almost two years of being in a relationship, all he had to tell me was “ ok Meenal, I don’t think we can carry on. I have too much of a family pressure. I cant see how I can be committed to you”. Sky fell on me. I knew no reason. I had no reason. But all was said and done. “WE” were over. I cried, but of course. But I wondered how easy it was for him, not so for me. something inside me still told me that we would be back together. Then, as fate would have it, we met again, in a train this time. We were both headed towards Delhi, sitting in the same compartment. (oh sorry! I forgot to mention before that we had both made it to our dream destinations in Delhi). He comes, apologizes and over the next few days, we were back together, back to normal, I thanked God because brains prevailed. But it wasn’t to last any longer. We “broke up” once again, we “made up” once again too. In all these times, he had only one thing to say to me-“Meenal, I’m confused”.
I used to ask myself this question every time he said this to me. Why am I not so confused? Why can I be so committed when he cant be? But I didn’t blame him, for it wasn’t his fault, this confusion. He called it the standard male fear of commitment. He kept coming back to me, I kept accepting him. In a way I understood everything-his anxiety, his frustration, his dilemma. Yet I was helpless. I could not do anything to make him feel better. All I could do was be with him, which I was, irrespective of whether we broke up or not. Despite all this, I knew one thing for sure-that I am going to stand by this man through the thick and thin, through the joy and the pain for one sole reason that I loved him. For, how could I snap this relation which was that of love- pure and unadulterated, pious and religious for me. I did not. I could not.

Now This happened when we were together, going fine. He calls, breaks up. December 19. and we split. But this time there was a difference. The difference was this- we split forever. I knew he will not come back this time. All he said was “ Meenal, I am by nature a butterfly, I am confused. I cant ruin your life by being with you. Goodbye.” Devastated yet again I was. I was falling apart. So easily said, so effortlessly, with so much conviction. Not ruin my life????? Who was to tell him that m life had already been ruined. For me, whose life was intertwined with his. For me, who had accepted him as her soul mate, as her better half. At that point in time, on the spur of the moment, in the rage of words, I told him that I hated him. But now when I introspect, I know. How can you hate someone you have loved so devotedly and religiously for so long, for a lifetime almost? How can you hate that someone who filled all the empty spaces in your life, that someone who made your life special, that someone who meant the world to you, that someone who you worshipped, that someone who was Divine to you? How can you just “get over” (another fashionable term) that someone who was everything for you?

If loving someone is getting over someone after a while, then I hate love. If loving is hating someone after a while, then I hate love. If loving is snapping love, then I hate love. But I know this isn’t love. For, loving is loving someone forever. For, loving is not “getting over” someone but overlooking his mistakes. For, love is not for the other to define. For, love is for you to define. For, love is you and me. For, love is for eternity…

P.S. you never fall out of love, you always fall IN it. Oh! How true…you always “fall” in love, never rise…you have to…