Pas de Raison...

I try to reason out in my head. I try very hard. I go over the whole series of events again and again. I make a mental picture of the pros and cons , the pitfalls and the positives, the shortcomings and the triumphs. Or should I say I TRY to at least. But I fail and fail miserably, horribly, pathetically. Because I CANT reason it out. For, how can you reason out love? How can you reason out reasons for love? How can you reason out a “break up”? How can you reason out “end” of a relationship? How can you reason out a long beautiful relation? How can you reason out separation from that someone special? How can you reason out that are far from being reasoned out by us immortals.
How can you reason out something even God failed to?

Love: an ambiguous term, very complex. More than a million definitions. Not one universally accepted. And good enough.
Now look at this one;
Break up: yes! One definition and solely one- end of a relationship.
Strange! Very strange! Just one stupid , “arrogant”, overpowering and superior definition of something that hurts, over something that gives pure joy and nothing else. I CANT reason it out. I WILL not.

I was asked many times-“ Meenal, why do you love me?” My answer each time would be –“ I don’t know!” now this might have sounded to him like I am confused, unsure of staying with him., unsure of love. But who was to tell him that I loved him because I had no reason. And was happy that way. Who was to tell him that o extracted pure joy out of just being “US” and not out of the materialistic pleasures? Who was to tell him that my love was reasonless, Not baseless.? Because my basis of love was his happiness. Just one smile on his face and I could die for it…………….SO….was I living in extremes then? Maybe! So, was I impractical? Maybe! Was I just living in illusions? NO!!! because I knew my love was real., in this real big, bad world. This love gave me happiness boundless. This love gave my life a meaning. This love gave me infinite dreams. This love gave me countless memorable experiences. This love brought me closer to the Divine. This love taught me to forgive…

But hey! Why the hell am I talking in past tense???
Is it all a distant reality to me? Absolutely not! No, because this love is as close to my heart as anything can be. This love is not my past, but my present and my future. This love hasn’t turned into “hatred” over just one random night because he made some mistakes and so did I ; or whatever the “reasons”. This live hasn’t died just because on one random day we decide to “break up” and “end” the relation. This love hasn’t ceased to be love just because some harsh words were exchanged and goodbyes said. This love IS STILL love for the purity of the feelings involved.

Ok now, I the truth is that I haven’t stopped loving him, even though I may fail to “reason it out”. I do. But now there’s a difference. The difference is small. The difference is this- pre-“break up”, there were things we both in some ways expected from each other; post- “break up”, there are no expectations. I love him but I don’t expect him to love me back. I love him but I don’t need him to reciprocate. I love him but I don’t possess him. I love him but I don’t wait. I love him but he is still not with me. I love him but I am happy to see him from a distance-happy and cheerful and successful. I love him but expect no companionship from him. I love him but demand no answers. I love him but I don’t choose to. I love him. It’s a Divine decision, I know. I love him and I forgive him…

There is solace in forgiveness. AND there is reason for forgiveness, unlike love, where there is none. And the reason for forgiveness is loveJ. When you love someone deeply and without a reason, you usually forgive. When you love someone without choosing to, you forgive that someone too.

Whoever said and said so correctly “ You never choose to love. If you could, life would be much simpler but far less magical…”
Totally agree. So, for the magic of it all, I am here….still in love.
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In love forever….:)

P.S. the title's french...meaning "reasonless"