CONSUMED IN (BY) LOVE:

No more does my body soften

When my lips take shape of your name

No more does the heart miss a beat

When I see your indifference still the same

No more does a smile sparkle

On the once so cheerful face

No more do the eyes carry

The endless dreams made at a pace

No more is the moon looked at

With a belief so indomitable

No more is the rising sun

Any reason for the spirit so infallible

No more do the prayers contain

Your name once so religiously taken

No more do the words read

Find a trace of you in this epic so shaken

No more does a respect flow

Which once did for your kind heart

No more is the bond felt

Which did even when we were torn apart

No more are you the reason for my being

No more are you the truth I kept on fleeing

No more are you the faith which kept me going

No more are you the God which kept me flowing

No more am I the pieces on being consumed by your love

No more do I try rearranging the broken pieces into one

No more are you the blessing that I cursed under my breath

No more are you the slow poison that gave me a silent death…

Sometimes I sit and wonder....

Sometimes I sit and wonder
How this world could be such a mess.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How the happiness left could be so less.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How everything was so perfect a while ago
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How it has suddenly become so tough to get into the flow.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How beautiful the times were
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How happy both of us were.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I used to get lost in those eyes
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How he stood by me through my laughs and cries
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How his was the most pious touch
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How the time spent with him was never too much.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How those arms were the most comforting ones
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How his fingers were the most caressing ones.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I could say almost anything without twice thinking
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How patiently he heard without even blinking.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How stupid and idiotic he was at times
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How we discussed caramel cookies, strawberries and limes
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How he would scold me like an oldie
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I would be like a naïve child listening so carefully
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why I miss those times like crazy
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why this world has turned so grey and hazy.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How to get out of this pain
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How all such efforts would be in vain
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why HE doesn’t come to aid
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Its Him only who has made such a fate…

Renaissance...

Today I had a very strange dream. “strange” because its not everyday that I see a dream in which a shadow is standing right in front of my eyes mocking at me for losing something too precious. The shadow kept on hovering around me for an indefinite period of time and kept laughing at the way I have become, the way I have stagnated, at the way I seem to have been trapped in a web, a cobweb from where there’s no escape, at the way I have become almost insane and lost all sight of reality, at the way I am so oblivious of the fact that the world has moved on so fast , at the way I remain a mere spectator…
The shadow kept giggling at confused me. I only remember the laughs, the cold, almost pricking laughter which is so unkind that will kill anybody to death. There were hundreds, almost thousands of arrows that were being aimed at me by the shadow to ensure my death. I tried asking why. I shouted, screamed, yelled at the top of my voice in that dingy, dark and obscure place which was illuminated by the incandescent blue lights all around. I screamed to ask why it was doing this to me. Along with the eagerness to save myself wad the curiosity to know who the shadow was or at least what the shadow was. Not just mentally and vocally now, even physically I was struggling to save myself from the agony ….and the arrows. I tried using both my hands and my legs and every possible body part to unmask the shadow and bring in light from somewhere which would destroy it… but all my efforts went in vain as one arrow went right across the right side of my neck and threw me aside. I screamed for help. It only said “that serves you right”. I asked again why it was hurting me. It said “ you should have moved on you fool. There is no place for dumb spectators in this world. So you must go where you belong and rot there. Don’t you see nobody cares? Don’t you see its all about forgetting the past and moving on?”
I kept looking at it, the shadow, tried unmasking it, kept struggling and kept on listening to its voice which kept fading away. And then….another arrow that pierced through my belly. I cried aloud. But then stopped struggling. My eyes fixed on the shadow but slowly losing sight. I had stopped struggling to save myself but had not stopped trying to get its identity revealed. Although all strength had left me, my hands kept getting nearer to the shadow’s face. But then suddenly….the final blow….just when I was about to unravel the mystery, the final arrow pierced through my heart and when it did, right through my heart, I remembered cupid. And then came a smile on my face. And then I found peace. Just when I was about to close my eyes for the final time…. I saw the shadow’s face. I kept remembering cupid. I saw its face. And then came the perennial smile on my face, and two tear drops fell from both the eyes. The face was his. And as soon as I saw his face, the face of my love, the face of my life, the face of my death, I forgot all pain. There was solace in that face I saw. All the previous suffering lost all meaning instantaneously. And as I saw his face for the last time, even though it was killing me,, there was perfect happiness , that which cant be explained in words. After I shut my eyes, there was maximum satisfaction of the maximum number for I saw the face of my life when I did and after death came a beautiful life, where I DID remain another spectator, but a satisfied one, not parched., for death came at the hands of my own love. Post death, I saw rebirth of love. Post death, there was little suffering. Post death, I was content. Post death, I loved him even more…

Lover. Friend. Enemy.

If I say I am falling apart
It would only be an understatement
If I say I am reliving separation
It would only mean its an illusion
If I say that I fell in love just overnight yet again
I wouldn’t be lying
If I say that the love left me the same night
I would say it with surety
If I say that I saw the same dreams yet again
I wouldn’t say I wasn’t happy
If I say that the same dreams were broken overnight
I cant be sure of not crying over them
If I say that he became traitor in a night
I wouldn’t be blaming him
If I say that I saw him only in a mask
Ii would only be stating facts
If I say that he was unmasked overnight
I would say it with conviction
If I say he use his power on me only in a few seconds
I would only be reiterating his strength
If I say he came and filled a void in my life
I would confess that he really did
If I say that he gave me a sweet poison like he did before
I would be hating him
If I say that I loved him for loving me like he did
I would only be loving him
If I say that he turned out to be like he was once
I would only feel the pain
If I say that he tore me apart like he did once
I would be saying the truth
If I say that I didn’t sleep last night because of tears in my eyes
I wouldn’t have said anything else with more truth
If I say I have broken down completely and lost all strength to love
I know I will be correct
If I say that I have been deceived yet again
I know there is no bigger truth
If I say I have stopped loving
I would be a little unsure
But when I call him a Brutus, like he was once
I would be filled with rage while saying this

But I know he was……
Always…….over that one night which changed it all…
Or so I want to believe…
A Traitor. A lover. A friend. An enemy.

I hate you like I never hated him.
But I hate YOU….

Afterthought: the last phrase is only anger in its full manifestation. I know hate is too strong a word. I cant hate, something I know. Yet I chose to write it. Yes I know anger differs from hated in many forms but somewhere the difference blurs…….and when the difference blurred, came this piece of writing…

lust.infatuation.love?????

Let me narrate to you a story. Not a story exactly but an incident, or lets say a series of incidents. Mind you, the following is not a work of fiction, but is reality.
There was this girl, my friend’s friend’s relative- Namrata (name changed). But I just happen to know her as she was my junior in school. And then there was this guy, Bhargav (name changed). He is my age only. Which means, a year elder to Namrata. These two live in different places, have o connection absolutely with each other and are two worlds apart. Bu then the boy meets girl through a social networking site. They become friends. Initially they talk about random stuff- interests, hobbies, tastes, educational background etc, etc. but gradually the casual talks transform into more intense talks- boyfriends, girlfriends, family, secret crushes, confessions, guilty passions etc. slowly, but over a period of about a month only, these two become more than just friends. They start to discuss porn, sex, masturbation. Intimate and private talks start growing, telephone numbers are exchanged. Now online chats have turned into telephonic chats which go on for hours together. For Namrata, it’s a crucial year in the sense that she has her 12th board exams. But she prefers to forget it while she is talking to Bhargav. She is a strong girl but has a strange longing to be loved (in a different way) bu someone. So Bhargav is the perfect angel sent by God. But she is also an irrational girl for she does not realize how much of her precious time she is wasting by going on chatting. She slowly becomes addicted to Bhargav. (that too in a short span of a month). She cant sleep without talking to him. She wakes up dreaming about him. She longs for those mushy words exchanged over the telephone. She longs all the time to hear his voice and let his voice do the magic in her body and let his voice drive her strongest emotions crazy and also let his voice take control of hormones inside her body. She is driven mad by Bhargav.
Bhargav , on the other hand, is only a playboy. As a matter if fact, he has only just broken up with his girlfriend and is just using Namrata to fulfill his bodily pleasures ( only over the phone though). Namrata says she loves Bhargav. Bhargav says the same to Namrata too. But for neither its love. Its only just infatuation. Or maybe not even that. It’s a degree still lower than infatuation- its pure lust, longing from both sides.
But gradually, as it happened, Namrata starts realizing that despite all the “I love yous” exchanged, love is missing and all Bhargav wants to talk to her about is sex. She tells this to him. But he is a master of words and knows how to delude people, especially girls. So he convinces her that he loves her…only in a “different way”. But slowly even he realizes that what he is doing is wrong. His conscience pricks him, only a little late. So he starts avoiding Namrata to cut all contact from her. But Namrata grows equally eager and desperate to talk to him. This entire cycle of ignoring and desperation continues until one day Namrata realizes that she was only being used by Bhargav as a commodity to fulfill his sexual pleasures on phone. She as I said, being a bold girl, starts abusing Bhargav over the phone, over the net etc, blame shim for all that happened and promises to make his life a living hell……. And this is the end of the story…

Now why I decided to narrate this story is because I have a certain comments to make on Namrata’s attitude toward Bhargav. Mainly because I cant go and tell this to her in person (for the fear of being slapped right across the face for interfering in her personal matters):
Namrata is no different from other girls her age. Probably many other would have reacted in the same way as she did or probably worse (though I don’t know how much worse it can get). When I got to know abut the incident (in pieces of course), initially even I sympathized with Namrata. But a deeper thought revealed to me that I am only being a firm feminist by believing it was only the guy’s fault. Was it only a one sided mistake, I thought. Is it only Bhargav who should be blamed? Was it enough for Namrata to get away with the whole series of incidents by passing the whole blame on Bhargav?
NO was my answer. And since the time I have got my answer, I have lost all sympathy for Namrata. She is using attack as her defense. She is being offensive and defensive at the same time by blaming Bhargav entirely for all that happened. I see it as an equal fault by both the parties. Why would Bhargav have started talking so intimately with Namrata in the first place? Only because she gave him the freedom to. Why would Bhargav continue to use her? Only because she allowed herself to be used. Why would Bhargav have crossed his limits? Only because she crossed hers and let him cross his. Why would Bhargav have taken advantage of her? Because she acted too irrationally and immaturely.

Namrata calls herself the victim but I call both of them as culprits, or better , I call her a voluntary victim. I am in no way saying that what Bhargav did was justified and right. All I am saying is that Bhargav never came and raped her, assaulted her or harassed her. All he did was…….use her and she allowed it herself. She has no right to play a blame game. She has no right to gain sympathy. She has no right to project herself as the victim in pitiable condition, because she is not. She hasn’t been wronged, she is only a partner in crime. If Bhargav fulfilled his desires, so did she. If Bhargav derived pleasure, so did she. If Bhargav loved being intimate, so did she. Then why pass the buck?

It hurts me to narrate such a saddening and dismal story of a woman , when we have celebrated the International Womens’ Day only recently and when all we women do the whole day is cry about our rights and fight for the passing of the womens bill in the Parliament etc. This story teaches us all a lesson- stop gaining sympathy and learn to take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming a take a step forward to admit …”yes, I have”. Stop being a self proclaimed victim and stop giving men more than needed importance (in whichever way). Learn to live as equals first if the whole day you have to cry about women empowerment. Stop shedding tears to wait for an aid. First stop treating yourself as the “weaker sex” and only then the world will respect you. Start being You, Yourself. Shed all guilt.
And most importantly……Don’t be a man…..BE A WOMAN!!!!

fulltoo vellapanti...

Now this is what I call fulltooo vellapanti…my exams are starting in not more than 10 days and I have suddenly started having all the time in the world to:
post stupid stuff on my blog,
go on facebooking the entire day,
do random net surfing,
chat with the most unknown people,
start cooking the most unexpected stuff…(I mean…me?????/ cooking??????/ f!@#), watch splitsvilla on tv (which by the way is most obscene and senseless show ever made….i still watched it :D) ,
change my fb status messages every 2 hours,
check out recepies of dishes online
experiment with my ridiculous hairstyle
“cook” oregano magi
listen to the most “unlistenable” songs like goli maar bheje mein etc.
play the games on my mobile which I never knew even existed before today
take stupid nonsense quizzes on facebook
read shantaram…(imagine….i cant read my textbooks and have all the time to read the world’s thickest novel…*bling bling*)
I mean.. the list is endless…so is my boredom
Why the hell?????/
I don’t want to mug up these textbooks.
Why? Do we have to do it?
I wish I had been studying instead of writing this
But as I said…I have only just started loving to waste my time….;)

25 MOST RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME.

25 MOST RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME.
What I am writing below is after taking inspiration from facebook, a famous social networking site , almost a craze amongst youngsters these days and I am no exception. I saw so many people writing the most random stuff about themselves and posting it as a note. Thought I would give it a try too. Shit man! Kya craze hai!
Chalo, let’s start!!!
1) I love studying….not that I am a nerd.(but if ppl want to think that way, they are most welcome to) But I just like books…whichever kinds. Leave me with my most preferred books (e.g. auto biographies of great and not so great men and women, novels- romantic , suspense, thrillers , mystery, whichever kinds, they should just suit my taste, and last but not the least, loads of books on eco) , and I don’t give a shit to anybody around me. Ha!

2) I have never given preference to my looks. No matter how much my ex-bf hated me for that, I didn’t care. Not that I would hate it if I apply a little bit of make-up or straighten my hair, but just that it has never been my natural preference or more simply because I think that there are better things in life which are worth worrying about than looks!

3)
Sometimes, (mind you, only sometimes) I want to believe that examinations should be done away with. I know there is no other parameter to judge merit other than exams (in whichever form). But the way exams are held in DU forces me to think that way. Firstly, exams are conducted exactly after 6 long months after the session starts, (which obviously means that we study only for the last 15 days and forget everything the day they end) and also because most subjects are useless. In brief, I believe that exams in DU are a pointless crap.

4) I love eating. But hate continental and French cuisine. Love spicy Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Mughlai, Punjabi and Rajasthani dishes. But my all time favorite has been ,and always will be, mouth watering South Indian, the dosas, the idlis, the vadas, the coconut chatny , the uttapams, the sambhar…all of these are my weaknesses. Yummmmm:P mouth watering…..yeah yeah people! I am a complete foodie, but please don’t take me as a glutton!

5) I can be rude at times, in fact, many a times. But the best part is that I always realize that I have been rude and go and apologize IF it is my fault. I do agree that till recently it wasn’t this way, but I have changed.

6) My roommate is the worst roommate in this whole big round - round world. But I also don’t deny that this experience with my first ever roomie has taught me lot of patience.


7) My father is my role model. (Though I have never told this to him!) and he is my biggest support system. Without him, I’d be nowhere. And my only dream is to fulfill all dreams that he has seen for me…my daddy strongest J

8) The best thing that has ever happened to me is learning French. I am in love with this language. Yes yes! It IS my first love people. Given a choice, I will like to pursue all my padhai in French, I sooooooo love the language. Whoever said, “it is the prettiest and most romantic language in the world”. I have all reasons to believe it!

9) I hate hill stations. I feel nauseous. I like the sea. My best ever memory of a beach is NOT juhu chaupati ppl (in fact, it is the dirtiest beach on the earth). It’s the Mediterranean! I haven’t seen as blue a sea, as flawless an expanse of salty water ever before. It was formidable!

10) Maggi and Cadbury dairy milk are by far the best inventions of mankind.

11) I love fabindia..its the perfect place to shop....fr gals....and guys too:)

12) I still don’t understand why I am doing B.Com honors. It is the most vella course on this planet and I still regret my decision of not taking up Eco honors. *sob sob*.

13) No matter how irritating my bhai is. He is the most wonderful person on earth. He is the cutest, the sweetest, the most understanding, the most annoying and the most caring bro on this earth, in this whole wide universe. ( but I would love it if he tries to chill out a bit!)

14) I do not understand people’s tendency of keeping an unhealthy competition. Arrey logon! Jo karna hai khul ke karo. Chhupate kyun ho? So basically, I really don’t approve of people who maintain double standards. Come out in the open and FIGHT IT OUT! Jo darr gaya vo mar gaya!

15)
I don’t like dogs, cats, lizards, rabbits, pigeons, sparrows , parrots, mice etc, neither as pets nor in general. I feel repulsive on seeing these creatures. Simply put, I am not an animals’ person. Bilkul nahin! I love humans!

16) I forgive very easily. I don’t forget that easily. In fact, I never forget. I firmly believe that we are all, after all, humans. And making mistakes is natural. As long as you realize your mistakes, you will be forgiven. Bas.

17) Till very recently, I never used to express what was in my mind. I have changed that completely. Now I do, or at least I try to. The last time I did, the consequences were really bad. But I still don’t think expressing yourself is such a bad thing.

18) I am growing my hair. I still cant figure out WHY? I mean, WHY THE HELL? It’s a complete mess and they don’t even look good. I don’t know why I cant muster the courage to get a haircut. After all, hair CAN grow back, cant they?

19)
Some of the qualities in my man should be – intelligent (I mean worldly wise), honest, loyal , understanding, and should not be all that bad looking (looks don’t matter much) ha! Am I asking for too much? I hope not. J

20) I have learnt tremendously in the past one year. Mostly about friendship. I value my friends. I don’t look for perfections in any of them. They are the only treasure I have and will love to keep till my death bed. Love you all loads! Muah!

21) I love traveling.My trip to Japan and France have been two of the most enlightening experiences for me. I would love to be a globe- trotter one day!

22) I love kids. They are the most innocent. And I love being innocent.

23) My mom is the best. Need I say more?

24) I need to reduce weight. Big time! High time! I hope to do that asap! *alarm alarm*

25) I wish I could continue writing more. Oh wow! I just realized how self obsessed I am. I wish this 25th had not been reached so quickly. Koi baat ni. Its My blog…. To be continued…

p.s. its almost a crime to read this and not comment...ppl now that i have written jst a bit of what i know bout myself, its time fr u to do the same.....i mean...write whatever u know about me....WHATEVER...jst let it not be very vulgar in order to save my blog frm any profanities.....so go ahead...look, am giving you all a brilliant chance to say what u think about me..(given that in general i hardly ever let u talk:D)............

allez alllez...