WINTER

it finally feels like winters in delhi. while i write this and think about how much life has changed in the past year and how much the winters have got delayed this year, i find a queer similarity in the two things.that the winters have a taken a long time to arrive, and winter being my favourite season, coupled with the fact that this winter seems like the first winter of my life because of this strange, almost inexplicable feeling that i have ( good, for the most part), i wonder about how much old winters and summers have taught me. while i say that winter is my favourite season, it has got itself this title only this year, for this is the first winter i am living each moment of. now,this has nothing in particular to do with oranges, quilts, heaters, jackets and sun, it has more to do with absence of feelings. what feelings, you might be wondering. these are the feelings we (I,to be precise) associate with heat and thunder, with a cyclone , say. the sentiments attached with someone/ something, so bad that you want it, whatever the cost. the sense of belongingness, the pain of separation, the "non-sensiblity", the foolishness, the vivacity, the passion, the desire, the sensuality, the greed, the love. i am talking about the omission of precisely these kind of feelings that i have started associating with this winter. never has my life felt so incomplete , yet so complete ( mind you, its not the other way round).never has there been more comfort and never before this security. so, does this mean that the last winter wiped off all "feelings" from my life?
yes, i guess, is the answer. because nothing matters. people dont matter. feelings attached with people dont matter. passion does. now how can love and passion not go hand in hand? they can, and they are for me. realisation that illusions teach you best, that age is always a barrier and that passion for THINGS is always better than passion for PEOPLE, have resulted in me inculcating newer passions. (too much passion, eh?) what passion, is for another blogpost . but as of now, i am not confused because its winter.i am not in love because its winter. i am still living a passion because its winter.i am back to status quo because its winter. i am standing on the terrace because its winter. i am meeting a deadline because its winter. and i am not waiting for spring because winter is my spring.
but thats all for winter. summmer will be a different story. a story different from winter. a story different yet not so different because the passion will continue TILL i meet the deadline. i will.

Long, LOng ago...

It was long, very long ago.

How much in history I dare not follow.

A child longed his mother’s gaze put on his sketch.

A pie was what the man wanted his wife to fetch.

A son woke up to say a word of thanks

A sister reminisced and promised to re-play the old pranks.

But then, it was long, very long ago.

How much in history, I dare not follow.

There still was a pug waiting to hug its master

There was a kitten waiting to be fed faster.

There was, in time, a lady with dreams for her daughter.

There was , too, a dad hiding those fears behind that laughter.

It was long, very long ago.

How much in history I dare not follow.

Shy was the wife,

Grateful the man,

Innocent the child

Whose courage overpowered

By audacity so shallow.

A gun, a bomb, a grenade.

A life, a breath, an undying halo

The bullets on the chest so proudly taken

The gun on the head so bravely endured

The unending hours of love procured

The relentless pursuit of hope.

Courage. Offence. Defence. The Fight.

Destruction was their insight,

Resilience was ours.

Vigor, vitality, vivacity.

After this long time in history.

A curve, That smile. An explosion, that laughter.

Yes it WAS a long, very long ago

How much in history I WILL not follow…

Its been a year since the tragic 26/11 sent shock waves throughout the country. And today, I spared a thought for all those who sacrificed their lives so we could live, peacefully and fearlessly in our own cocoons. But today only I realized how complacent we have become, you and I, because we have the free freedom given to us as a legacy , yes, free of cost for which we had to pay nothing. Now why I say this is because I am disappointed with myself and with so many others when I see them taking out processions, rallies, marches and lighting candles to remember those who could live no more. I wonder what use these candles and thoughts spared when these same people (including me) who came out in large numbers , were Not the same people who voted or could have voted for a change. The same government is back, back in the State, not letting the fears die. The same people who were (are) angry and enraged at the ‘politicians” because they don’t do a thing for security enhancement and risk management are the ones who sit back home , watch news, criticize the government, throw a few angry comments here and there, but don’t go out and vote for a change. This being said, and considering that each government is as bad as the other, we, as individuals have to at least do as much as is in our capability , for our country. we may keep playing the “critique”, but as long as we don’t realize our own responsibilities toward this nation which gave us everything ( I know it sounds clichéd but it is as true as it is old), we have no right to play the blame game. We may keep thinking that we can never be a victim of terror, but with the multiplication of terror attacks each day, claiming such a thing will be mere foolishness.

I am ready to do my bit, for, I am confident and positive that if each person in this motherland of ours, takes a pledge to protect it and safeguard it with his/her commitment, not a soul can touch it, leave alone harm it. Be ready.

All that I need..

All I needed was a drive,

A push to make me survive

All I needed was a hope

A light to help me cope

All I needed was an advice

A word to see the prize

All I needed was a zeal

A frequency to help me get the feel

All I needed was an intellect

A brain to polish the introspect

All I needed was a friend

An angel to delay the end

All I needed was an enemy

A foe to love and make me worthy

All I needed was a multiplication

A burst of laughter in lubrication.

All I needed was a room

An abode to let my philosophy groom

Al I needed was a shelf

A safe to store my fairy tale elf

All I needed was a fairy

A glamorous lady to make my dreams less scary.

All I needed was a bag

A sac to keep my intuitions and weed out the rags

All I needed was water

A life to flow and no glass to shatter

All I needed was food

A hunger to move and shape the ideas crude

All I needed was a mirror

A myself to reassure of no surrender

All I needed was God

A faith that there is no outside God!

"Teardrops On My Guitar"

Rarely does a song touch a string in my heart. The following is one of them. definitely worth listening. says things more than one. plus the music is extremely soft and soothing. let me not say more and spoil the fun of the brilliant piece.

p.s. the lines in italics are some of my favourites...:)

hope you guys like it...:):):)

Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see
What I want and I need
And everything that we should be

I'll bet she's beautiful
That girl he talks about
And she's got everything
That I have to live without

Drew talks to me
I laugh 'cause it's just so funny
I can't even see
Anyone when he's with me

He says he's so in love
He's finally got it right
I wonder if he knows
He's all I think about at night

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

Drew walks by me
Can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be

She better hold him tight
Give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes
And know she's lucky 'cause

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

So I drive home alone
As I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down
And maybe get some sleep tonight

'Cuz he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do

He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me
I fake a smile so he won't see

whatever!!!!

dont know what for i am writing this. but as it happens with most normal human species, i had an emotional upsurge just 2 minutes back and i think i am probably still in it. why?....just watched a movie and i kinda get too senti and all after watching just any kind of movie....ANY.....but it has nothing to do with the movie, this post. in fact, i dont even know what it has got to do with. but whatever!...i dont need to know....

what for i called him up? what for i wrote those stupid, almost weird status messages on my facebook profile? what was i wanting back then? what was my intention? to make a fool out of myself in front of him? to get myself mocked at by the whole friends community on facebook? what was i trying to gain? was it sympathy i wanted ? was it condolences? or was it just him that i craved for? was i making his life miserable? was i wanting to see him unhappy? was i getting insecure?

oh wait! did i just say insecure???? buy WHY? reason? was it not over long back? was it not supposed ever come back again? was it not a cruel truth i had faced ? was i not strong enough back then?? was it not just another love story????

when i called him up, it wasnt insecurity, it was longingness, for his voice, which i never wanted should fade away from my heart. when i wrote those lines up there, they were not for people to have pity on me. they were not for him to make him unhappy. oh lord! it wasnt my intention. they were for him to know how much i missed him, not to have him back....have him back????...never did i want that. for, how could i ever want pain back? the lies, the broken promises back? back again the folllies, back again the heart breaks, back again the illusion? back again the sadness. no, no! it wasnt him that i wanted back. ijust missed him. totally. but BACK? NO way!

and he thought i never wanted to see him happy! oh! sad interpretation!

humne apna jahaan unpe vaar diya

khwaishon ko, khushiyon ko bhi unpe luta diya

ek muskaan dekh saken uss chehre pe

iske liya apna woh ek khwaab bhi mita diya

aur vo keh chale ki tumne apni hasi ke liye

hamara sab kuchh ujaad diya...

what an irony!

some people will never understand. and after that one phone call i realised a very sad thing, very disapointing!something that forms and will continue to form the basis of all happiness (and sadness) on this earth. something that i took very long to understand, something that i refused to see in 2 years . something that suddenly and most , most suddenly dawned upon me, as if just awaiting that call. something that is permanent and something that i have come to believe very firmly of late. and that something is that there is no such thing as love . ya ya ya,,,,i sound too foolish! too controversial! but ........whatever!!!!!..i dont see why people waste so much time in it? what do theyy get? i mean, dont they have better things to do in life? do they not realise that its just a trap? and do they not undertand the implications of it? for, how can they fall into it, i mean....knowingly...huh!!! how can they not see the disastrous consequences? how can they ruin a life which is just too short??? haan????

welll, well...i wish i could believe the above said . though i do think that there IS a part of me that does believe all of it. but when will i get the"full" me to get in terms with this....hmmmmm....pata ni.....i dont even know if i want to believe this. but surely there isnt an escape. and better it is not to even find one. it will find you itself, sooner or later. but whats with the escape thingy???? i just mean time!!!! you dont hav to find time....(at least I havent been able to), it will find you itself...you just hav to trust, have faith and believe!!!!

BUT...........trust? faith? belief???

oh god!!!! is there an end to all these illusionary and almost misleading sentiments like trust and all???/ such a vicious cycle it is.....wow! amazing!

i am very sleepy....and i am not gonna re-read what i wrote because i know its completely useless stuff pointless...but ................WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

history, not 'past'...

I havent really been in a “writing” mood in a long time now. Now, that definitely does not amount to saying that I have been extremely busy or anything. It only means that …..ummm…I just DID NOT feel like writing. Reasons are many (well, didn’t I just say that I didn’t feel like writing, so, is that not reason enough ) but anyway, let me elaborate.

Firstly, I have recently shifted to my new accommodation; it’s a single room on the third floor, with no attached bathrooms(ya ya ya , in my previous pg, I DID have a FULL bathroom /toilet attached with my room..:(), a spacious, “walk”able roof just outside my room, right in middle of bunglow road market from where I can have easy view of a lot many things, mc donalds, tom uncle’s magi point, kfc, becos, reliance web world , hansraj college, (if that counts!) and a lot many other places I might be forgetting which is basically to say that I am currently in one of the “most happening” places of north campus. But no, that’s not the reason I haven’t written for long. The real reason is that I have just taken a lot of time in the past few days to settle down. But whats with “settling down”, you readers might be wondering.? After all I have been out of my home, staying away from my parents, living in a hostel for more than a year now, so WHY now taking time to “settle down’? well, actually I have been trying to put a lot of pieces of an unsolved puzzle together in the recent past, something that seems to be taking a lot of time, patience, effort and introspection. Yes! That’s the key word- Introspection. By solving the puzzle I mean I have just been introspecting and putting things into place, “things” that went wrong in the past one year. Now, the last year has been a total fiasco in my life. And expected! Out of home into the “big bad world” as they call it, for the first time, meeting the “bure log”, again as they call it and living an “independent” life as they call it …ufff…these “they” seem to make a lot of sense most of the times! A lot of things went wrong because of a lot of things and to my surprise, mainly because of ME! SO So So, basically I have just been thinking a lot is the crux!

Besides “thinking”, quite a few things have been going on ….soon after returning from London, college started in full swing, with all the societies, dramsoc and debsoc mainly taking away most of my time, not to forget the fucchas who are highly boring. And this actually leads me to make a few remarks about our college societies and the strange “chair wars” going, and not to my surprise at all, for the society “posts”. I have, in the last few days of my college, actually seen people playing the “dirty” politics, if I may call it so, with my own eyes and I have been shocked to the core on seeing the utterly dishonest, selfish, shrewd, over-clever not to forget the conscience-less, principle-less and moral-less people (batch-mates) trying to “butter” the third years for acquiring the “posts” in the societies of their choice(and evidently so! I mean Mr.X was never so polite with Ms.Y who is the secretary of debsoc neither was Ms.A so “fond of” Mr.B, who is the secretary of dramsoc and wasn’t it only yesterday that Ms.G, who also happens to be a “friend” of mine, was bitching about Ms.H, who is the G.Sec of debsoc) and also trying to “foster” ties with the fucchas JUST so that they would vote for them when they stand in the college elections! I find it a not a little but highly strange that people will do all this at the cost of their values. I know I know, I sound so like mahatma Gandhi etc talking about principles and ethics and values and what not, but whatever! I feel disgusted to the heights when I come to think of all this. Anyway, why did I even bother writing so much about all this???!!!??? Perhaps, because itne din na likhne ki bhadaas nikal rahi hai yar! J J J

With all this college drama keeping me busy, I have had very little time to think about what people, at least second years like me, have been talking about a lot these days- CAT. Yes yes yes! Billi, about belling the CAT etc. The talk of the town is CL, TIME, IMS, etc institutes that give coaching for CAT. I have completely and thoroughly been feeling “out of place” when people around me start talking about taking THE “CAT”. All I have to say all the time is “listen guys, I am still undecided. I really don’t see why I should start “CAT”ting right now. I will take my own time in deciding” And true! I don’t see WHY!!!!!! Arrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

Chalo, I toh will keep thinking about that but I really don’t want to. unfortunately, I have no choice!

All these things will continue to keep me pondering but on a little irrelevant side... I don’t know why I have been feeling a lot at peace with myself of late. Its as if a huge burden has gone off my shoulders, all my mistakes rectified and all my sadness vanished. Maybe that’s because of a lot of introspection and a lot of actions which should have been taken a long back. And also because I cease to be a resident of my old pg, called vidya jyoti , where I was always too restless and where I wasted all of my time loitering around here and there. At last, I am feeling that things are falling into place (touchwood!) and that I am much more comfortable in my own company than I was a year back., which , I would like to believe, is a very good thing. To put it in better words- as a result of re-discovering “ME”, I have actually and really found the “lost” me back, but am still ‘in the process of’ struggling to get the full “me” back!!!:)

Any way , anyway, enough of philosophy now. And enough of writing too. I don’t even know what I started writing this post for in the first place, but as it turns out, it gives a brief overview of my not so happening life in the last few days. That doesn’t serve no purpose, at least I am back to my blog!!!!..*sigh of relief*

P.s.- while I am writing this, sitting on my roof on a corner, I can see innumerable kites flying in the sky. I want to fly with them too….vo kya tha…”I wish I could fly, I wish i could touch the sky..” ..the view’s beautiful! Reminds me of the book and the movie - “the kite runner” brilliant people! Do read it!(watch it!)

PPS- happy independence day! J

the next few days.....

The last few days have been absolutely maddening……especially last night. LSE students organized this welcome party for the summer school students, called CRUSH…and what a party it was!!!!!!! I am generally not a party stuff, neither do I feel comfortable in an ambiance where all you do is booze, fag, get touchy with the opposite sex (the same, in a few exceptional cases), dance like crazy, shout , yell, hoot and scream on hearing your favourite song being played by the DJ, and sweat it out till you are down and out…..or better, high and exhausted!!! Last night was no different in terms of the outline I just sketched- guys and girls going tipsy on over drinking, bouncers trying to prevent some desperate Spanish guys from troubling a few girls (who, to my surprise, were dancing together on the dance floor after a while..*weird*),jam packed disc with blaring music and blinding lights, guys and girls getting so cozy with each other that even air couldn’t pass through…..and to top it all, my wacky friends from college who pulled me inside into the party even though I was happy standing on the side witnessing it all. One thing I will not deny is that I did have fun, maybe because it was the first party of its kind for me (which lasted around half an hour , after which I couldn’t stand the crowd, neither the loud music). But yes, for whatever time I was there , I had fun dancing with all my friends and losing control of myself for a while(trust me it doesn’t hurt once in a while)but I will not be very comfortable attending such parties in the future.*whatever*

One of the other crazy incidents happened when I , and one my friends lost our way to our accommodation from Trafalgar square at 12 midnight. I mean , its not too great to get lost on the London streets so late in the night with none of the maps helping. The deserted streets freaked me out completely and there was no bus which could take us to our destination. After a lot of walking and a lot of consoling job done by me to stop my friend from crying, we did find a bus which would take us to roseberry. After that day, I have so made it a point to return home on time..:)(

Besides, shopping is going on decently well. The oxford street is amazing. That’s because despite the oh-wow stores like Selfridges, debanhams, river island, next, m&s, primark, h&m etc and etc…, THE SALE IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!! And so i can easily shop without thinking too much about the prices! Lol.

My routine has been getting a little too monotonous for the past two or three days- attending lecture from 10 to 1, exploring the lse library from 1 to 4 then again attending class from 4 to 5, back to roseberry, sleep for 3 hours, wake up, study, chat, read etc and then again sleep. Have not been getting enough time to look around the place because my course is getting tougher by the day and I REALY NEED TO COPE UP…….given that almost all students in my class come from a business background and hence, obviously know much more than I do about the course content, I feel scared sometimes about how I am going to be performing in my exam, which is on the coming Wednesday. Shit! I really need to get back to books…..

I think this is pretty much all for now…..

Ttyl bloggy poggy…J

day 2- lse

its been a day and a half since i updated my bloggggyyyy poggyyyy with recent happenings straight from london.

well yesterday was a crazy day...in all sense of the word.

orientation and all.....tour of the LSE campus....!!!!! but CAMPUS???? man, its damn depressing ...the LSE CAMPUS...i mean there hardly IS any campus.......just three weirdly interconnected buildings with a lot of historic looking, monument-ish architecture crafted everywhere. whereas i expected a huge, some 100 acres campus with lush greeen gardens and stuff....but then , as someone rightly said..."what more do u expect in central london???""" true true...

view from my room

but then i must appreciate the multi storeyed library which inspired an awe in me...almost!!

keeping aside awe, it was also a "painful" day yesterday, given that we (me and kash) got lost in this place called High HOlborn when we were looking for a bust stop C, WB or X...we walked in a full circle (which we discovered later on) for around an hour when some kind gentleman helped us to the (most) desired stop. vaise, i HAve to say...london ppl are a little bit ignorant and unaware of their surroundings and have absolutely noo sense of direction when it comes to "rights" and "lefts" on streets and better...they are clueless about map reading...grrrrr....sometimes it seems to me that i am as lost in this city as these londoners are themselves. but the almost one hour hunt for a bus stop did me some good at least....i WALKED!!!! and this says a lot...;););) to say it explicitly, i think i am definitely going to be getting thin given that

a) i have to walk A LOT

b) i get no food to eat

all i had in the whole day yesterday was two slices of bread, a glass of milk, an ice cream cone and an apple pie....*sniffs*

i have been comparitively luckier today in the sense that i happened to bump into this departmental store selling indian buffet, a little costly, but ANYTHING for indian food..lolz

my classes started today, sorry...lectures. three hours straight...and guess what...i didn't fall asleep!!!!! :) it was pretty intersting and we already have "home work" to do!!!!

going to rest for while now....loads of shopping awaits me in the evening!!!!:):):)

LSE Summer School

Ohhhh…kkk….so finally the long awaited destination is reached…..the oh-so-wow dream travel country, the most exciting and happening tourist destination and the heartthrob of many is here before my eyes….splendid, ecstatic, stupefied and dumb-struck was what I was supposed to feel on seeing London, and wasn’t it also meant to be love at first sight with this Kingdom???? Sadly, its none of the above. After less than 24 hours of staying in this place, (90,Roseberry avenue, Central London, the Lse residence hall where I am putting up), and exploring high-end crowded places like Trafalgar street, Leicester square, Northumberland Avenue and some other complexly pronounced streets of whose name I am forgetting right now, I can say(not so safely though, given the amount of time spent) that London disappoints me. L ok, I don’t disagree that its clean, beautiful, noisy but peaceful at the same time, but I also have a weird feeling here. Right from the time my taxi took me out from the Heathrow airport till now, when I am sitting cozily in my bed typing this and its 2.10 am , Greenwich time, I have had a very eerie feeling with respect to London. Maybe its because I came here with a whole bunch of expectations in my head which obviously have been turned down, but in a way have taught me to stop forming pre conceived notions about people and places….Wait ….did I just say “people”???? forming pre conceived notions about “people”????oh yes, I just did. And here is where the root cause of all my disappointment lies..PEOPLE. Right from when I landed, to when I was traveling in the tube, to when I was exploring the Tesco supermarket, to when I was buying French fries and at so many other instances, people of London have disappointed me. Ok, no offence and with utmost respect to the citizens of this country, I have to say that whoever I have come across till now has either been rude, or indifferent, or snob, or cold or mainly…”un” warm. If people are falling all over each other in the tube (that’s the London metro), the person right adjacent to you gives you a strong stare as if trying to make you feel guilty for what you are doing, even though he may be doing exactly what you are doing… which is falling over the person right next to him because it is DAMN CROWDED!!!! And NOT because we like leaning against or falling onto other people. If you try buying a sub from the Subway, which, by the way is the cheapest eating option in London) and by chance, just by mistake you fail to understand the weird british accent in which they are asking you which sauce they should put on your Sub and you happen to reply in a “Sorry?”, they close your sub, don’t bother to repeat what they said and your order gets packed, AND you pay a 1.99 pound for a sub, that too WITHOUT the sauce..wow!!! many like incidents in a very short span of time…have given me a sort of negative feel about the Londoners. But I am hopeful of finding better people to talk to in the next 22 days that I am here and want to believe that the first day’s tete-a-tete with some weird people was a sheer bad luck and that’s all.

P.S. The highlights of the day were :

A full fledged Gay parade at the Leicester square. Honestly, it was one heck of an experience to watch so many bisexuals together at the same time, same place, all walking so proudly with the most colourful of costumes, decorations, dancing and singing their way to glory with loud, blaring music in the background and it seemed as if the whole of London had gathered there to cheer for them. All shouted, hooted and yelled to make it the liveliest parade I have ever come across.

My FIRST tube journey from Embankment station to Angel for which I was officially supposed to be changing one line but ended up changing five(!!!) because due to some technical difficulties the “circle” line had to be changed for the “hammersmith & city” line and later for the ‘district” line….ummmmok forget it,,,,its complex!!!!

My stroll in Roseberry avenue around 11 at night, trying to hunt for food…..Vegetarian food ….and ended up finding all the departmental stores closed, thereby voiding my chance of buying my last hope…bread and butter!!! And had to ultimately settle for French fries…..

These were by far the highlights which I could recall right now while I am feeling damn sleepy, besides that London girls I think are hot, always half dressed, or so I think and guys are hotter, trust me!!!!! J and wait, did I even mention a word about my accommodation!!!???!!! To acquaint you a little, its situated at a fairly silent place from where Marks & Spencer , Body Shop & Burberry are just 15 minutes walking *winx* and people are active mainly at night, whereas during day time, there is hardly any soul to be found. I have my single room at a fairly amazing location from where I can see half the roseberry street. So its all cool, waiting for it to get cooler!!! By the way, cool reminds me……….the temperature is around 15 degrees right now….:) *shivers*

CONSUMED IN (BY) LOVE:

No more does my body soften

When my lips take shape of your name

No more does the heart miss a beat

When I see your indifference still the same

No more does a smile sparkle

On the once so cheerful face

No more do the eyes carry

The endless dreams made at a pace

No more is the moon looked at

With a belief so indomitable

No more is the rising sun

Any reason for the spirit so infallible

No more do the prayers contain

Your name once so religiously taken

No more do the words read

Find a trace of you in this epic so shaken

No more does a respect flow

Which once did for your kind heart

No more is the bond felt

Which did even when we were torn apart

No more are you the reason for my being

No more are you the truth I kept on fleeing

No more are you the faith which kept me going

No more are you the God which kept me flowing

No more am I the pieces on being consumed by your love

No more do I try rearranging the broken pieces into one

No more are you the blessing that I cursed under my breath

No more are you the slow poison that gave me a silent death…

Sometimes I sit and wonder....

Sometimes I sit and wonder
How this world could be such a mess.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How the happiness left could be so less.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How everything was so perfect a while ago
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How it has suddenly become so tough to get into the flow.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How beautiful the times were
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How happy both of us were.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I used to get lost in those eyes
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How he stood by me through my laughs and cries
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How his was the most pious touch
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How the time spent with him was never too much.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How those arms were the most comforting ones
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How his fingers were the most caressing ones.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I could say almost anything without twice thinking
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How patiently he heard without even blinking.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How stupid and idiotic he was at times
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How we discussed caramel cookies, strawberries and limes
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How he would scold me like an oldie
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How I would be like a naïve child listening so carefully
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why I miss those times like crazy
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why this world has turned so grey and hazy.
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How to get out of this pain
Sometimes I sit and wonder
How all such efforts would be in vain
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Why HE doesn’t come to aid
Sometimes I sit and wonder
Its Him only who has made such a fate…

Renaissance...

Today I had a very strange dream. “strange” because its not everyday that I see a dream in which a shadow is standing right in front of my eyes mocking at me for losing something too precious. The shadow kept on hovering around me for an indefinite period of time and kept laughing at the way I have become, the way I have stagnated, at the way I seem to have been trapped in a web, a cobweb from where there’s no escape, at the way I have become almost insane and lost all sight of reality, at the way I am so oblivious of the fact that the world has moved on so fast , at the way I remain a mere spectator…
The shadow kept giggling at confused me. I only remember the laughs, the cold, almost pricking laughter which is so unkind that will kill anybody to death. There were hundreds, almost thousands of arrows that were being aimed at me by the shadow to ensure my death. I tried asking why. I shouted, screamed, yelled at the top of my voice in that dingy, dark and obscure place which was illuminated by the incandescent blue lights all around. I screamed to ask why it was doing this to me. Along with the eagerness to save myself wad the curiosity to know who the shadow was or at least what the shadow was. Not just mentally and vocally now, even physically I was struggling to save myself from the agony ….and the arrows. I tried using both my hands and my legs and every possible body part to unmask the shadow and bring in light from somewhere which would destroy it… but all my efforts went in vain as one arrow went right across the right side of my neck and threw me aside. I screamed for help. It only said “that serves you right”. I asked again why it was hurting me. It said “ you should have moved on you fool. There is no place for dumb spectators in this world. So you must go where you belong and rot there. Don’t you see nobody cares? Don’t you see its all about forgetting the past and moving on?”
I kept looking at it, the shadow, tried unmasking it, kept struggling and kept on listening to its voice which kept fading away. And then….another arrow that pierced through my belly. I cried aloud. But then stopped struggling. My eyes fixed on the shadow but slowly losing sight. I had stopped struggling to save myself but had not stopped trying to get its identity revealed. Although all strength had left me, my hands kept getting nearer to the shadow’s face. But then suddenly….the final blow….just when I was about to unravel the mystery, the final arrow pierced through my heart and when it did, right through my heart, I remembered cupid. And then came a smile on my face. And then I found peace. Just when I was about to close my eyes for the final time…. I saw the shadow’s face. I kept remembering cupid. I saw its face. And then came the perennial smile on my face, and two tear drops fell from both the eyes. The face was his. And as soon as I saw his face, the face of my love, the face of my life, the face of my death, I forgot all pain. There was solace in that face I saw. All the previous suffering lost all meaning instantaneously. And as I saw his face for the last time, even though it was killing me,, there was perfect happiness , that which cant be explained in words. After I shut my eyes, there was maximum satisfaction of the maximum number for I saw the face of my life when I did and after death came a beautiful life, where I DID remain another spectator, but a satisfied one, not parched., for death came at the hands of my own love. Post death, I saw rebirth of love. Post death, there was little suffering. Post death, I was content. Post death, I loved him even more…

Lover. Friend. Enemy.

If I say I am falling apart
It would only be an understatement
If I say I am reliving separation
It would only mean its an illusion
If I say that I fell in love just overnight yet again
I wouldn’t be lying
If I say that the love left me the same night
I would say it with surety
If I say that I saw the same dreams yet again
I wouldn’t say I wasn’t happy
If I say that the same dreams were broken overnight
I cant be sure of not crying over them
If I say that he became traitor in a night
I wouldn’t be blaming him
If I say that I saw him only in a mask
Ii would only be stating facts
If I say that he was unmasked overnight
I would say it with conviction
If I say he use his power on me only in a few seconds
I would only be reiterating his strength
If I say he came and filled a void in my life
I would confess that he really did
If I say that he gave me a sweet poison like he did before
I would be hating him
If I say that I loved him for loving me like he did
I would only be loving him
If I say that he turned out to be like he was once
I would only feel the pain
If I say that he tore me apart like he did once
I would be saying the truth
If I say that I didn’t sleep last night because of tears in my eyes
I wouldn’t have said anything else with more truth
If I say I have broken down completely and lost all strength to love
I know I will be correct
If I say that I have been deceived yet again
I know there is no bigger truth
If I say I have stopped loving
I would be a little unsure
But when I call him a Brutus, like he was once
I would be filled with rage while saying this

But I know he was……
Always…….over that one night which changed it all…
Or so I want to believe…
A Traitor. A lover. A friend. An enemy.

I hate you like I never hated him.
But I hate YOU….

Afterthought: the last phrase is only anger in its full manifestation. I know hate is too strong a word. I cant hate, something I know. Yet I chose to write it. Yes I know anger differs from hated in many forms but somewhere the difference blurs…….and when the difference blurred, came this piece of writing…

lust.infatuation.love?????

Let me narrate to you a story. Not a story exactly but an incident, or lets say a series of incidents. Mind you, the following is not a work of fiction, but is reality.
There was this girl, my friend’s friend’s relative- Namrata (name changed). But I just happen to know her as she was my junior in school. And then there was this guy, Bhargav (name changed). He is my age only. Which means, a year elder to Namrata. These two live in different places, have o connection absolutely with each other and are two worlds apart. Bu then the boy meets girl through a social networking site. They become friends. Initially they talk about random stuff- interests, hobbies, tastes, educational background etc, etc. but gradually the casual talks transform into more intense talks- boyfriends, girlfriends, family, secret crushes, confessions, guilty passions etc. slowly, but over a period of about a month only, these two become more than just friends. They start to discuss porn, sex, masturbation. Intimate and private talks start growing, telephone numbers are exchanged. Now online chats have turned into telephonic chats which go on for hours together. For Namrata, it’s a crucial year in the sense that she has her 12th board exams. But she prefers to forget it while she is talking to Bhargav. She is a strong girl but has a strange longing to be loved (in a different way) bu someone. So Bhargav is the perfect angel sent by God. But she is also an irrational girl for she does not realize how much of her precious time she is wasting by going on chatting. She slowly becomes addicted to Bhargav. (that too in a short span of a month). She cant sleep without talking to him. She wakes up dreaming about him. She longs for those mushy words exchanged over the telephone. She longs all the time to hear his voice and let his voice do the magic in her body and let his voice drive her strongest emotions crazy and also let his voice take control of hormones inside her body. She is driven mad by Bhargav.
Bhargav , on the other hand, is only a playboy. As a matter if fact, he has only just broken up with his girlfriend and is just using Namrata to fulfill his bodily pleasures ( only over the phone though). Namrata says she loves Bhargav. Bhargav says the same to Namrata too. But for neither its love. Its only just infatuation. Or maybe not even that. It’s a degree still lower than infatuation- its pure lust, longing from both sides.
But gradually, as it happened, Namrata starts realizing that despite all the “I love yous” exchanged, love is missing and all Bhargav wants to talk to her about is sex. She tells this to him. But he is a master of words and knows how to delude people, especially girls. So he convinces her that he loves her…only in a “different way”. But slowly even he realizes that what he is doing is wrong. His conscience pricks him, only a little late. So he starts avoiding Namrata to cut all contact from her. But Namrata grows equally eager and desperate to talk to him. This entire cycle of ignoring and desperation continues until one day Namrata realizes that she was only being used by Bhargav as a commodity to fulfill his sexual pleasures on phone. She as I said, being a bold girl, starts abusing Bhargav over the phone, over the net etc, blame shim for all that happened and promises to make his life a living hell……. And this is the end of the story…

Now why I decided to narrate this story is because I have a certain comments to make on Namrata’s attitude toward Bhargav. Mainly because I cant go and tell this to her in person (for the fear of being slapped right across the face for interfering in her personal matters):
Namrata is no different from other girls her age. Probably many other would have reacted in the same way as she did or probably worse (though I don’t know how much worse it can get). When I got to know abut the incident (in pieces of course), initially even I sympathized with Namrata. But a deeper thought revealed to me that I am only being a firm feminist by believing it was only the guy’s fault. Was it only a one sided mistake, I thought. Is it only Bhargav who should be blamed? Was it enough for Namrata to get away with the whole series of incidents by passing the whole blame on Bhargav?
NO was my answer. And since the time I have got my answer, I have lost all sympathy for Namrata. She is using attack as her defense. She is being offensive and defensive at the same time by blaming Bhargav entirely for all that happened. I see it as an equal fault by both the parties. Why would Bhargav have started talking so intimately with Namrata in the first place? Only because she gave him the freedom to. Why would Bhargav continue to use her? Only because she allowed herself to be used. Why would Bhargav have crossed his limits? Only because she crossed hers and let him cross his. Why would Bhargav have taken advantage of her? Because she acted too irrationally and immaturely.

Namrata calls herself the victim but I call both of them as culprits, or better , I call her a voluntary victim. I am in no way saying that what Bhargav did was justified and right. All I am saying is that Bhargav never came and raped her, assaulted her or harassed her. All he did was…….use her and she allowed it herself. She has no right to play a blame game. She has no right to gain sympathy. She has no right to project herself as the victim in pitiable condition, because she is not. She hasn’t been wronged, she is only a partner in crime. If Bhargav fulfilled his desires, so did she. If Bhargav derived pleasure, so did she. If Bhargav loved being intimate, so did she. Then why pass the buck?

It hurts me to narrate such a saddening and dismal story of a woman , when we have celebrated the International Womens’ Day only recently and when all we women do the whole day is cry about our rights and fight for the passing of the womens bill in the Parliament etc. This story teaches us all a lesson- stop gaining sympathy and learn to take responsibility for your own actions. Stop blaming a take a step forward to admit …”yes, I have”. Stop being a self proclaimed victim and stop giving men more than needed importance (in whichever way). Learn to live as equals first if the whole day you have to cry about women empowerment. Stop shedding tears to wait for an aid. First stop treating yourself as the “weaker sex” and only then the world will respect you. Start being You, Yourself. Shed all guilt.
And most importantly……Don’t be a man…..BE A WOMAN!!!!

fulltoo vellapanti...

Now this is what I call fulltooo vellapanti…my exams are starting in not more than 10 days and I have suddenly started having all the time in the world to:
post stupid stuff on my blog,
go on facebooking the entire day,
do random net surfing,
chat with the most unknown people,
start cooking the most unexpected stuff…(I mean…me?????/ cooking??????/ f!@#), watch splitsvilla on tv (which by the way is most obscene and senseless show ever made….i still watched it :D) ,
change my fb status messages every 2 hours,
check out recepies of dishes online
experiment with my ridiculous hairstyle
“cook” oregano magi
listen to the most “unlistenable” songs like goli maar bheje mein etc.
play the games on my mobile which I never knew even existed before today
take stupid nonsense quizzes on facebook
read shantaram…(imagine….i cant read my textbooks and have all the time to read the world’s thickest novel…*bling bling*)
I mean.. the list is endless…so is my boredom
Why the hell?????/
I don’t want to mug up these textbooks.
Why? Do we have to do it?
I wish I had been studying instead of writing this
But as I said…I have only just started loving to waste my time….;)

25 MOST RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME.

25 MOST RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME.
What I am writing below is after taking inspiration from facebook, a famous social networking site , almost a craze amongst youngsters these days and I am no exception. I saw so many people writing the most random stuff about themselves and posting it as a note. Thought I would give it a try too. Shit man! Kya craze hai!
Chalo, let’s start!!!
1) I love studying….not that I am a nerd.(but if ppl want to think that way, they are most welcome to) But I just like books…whichever kinds. Leave me with my most preferred books (e.g. auto biographies of great and not so great men and women, novels- romantic , suspense, thrillers , mystery, whichever kinds, they should just suit my taste, and last but not the least, loads of books on eco) , and I don’t give a shit to anybody around me. Ha!

2) I have never given preference to my looks. No matter how much my ex-bf hated me for that, I didn’t care. Not that I would hate it if I apply a little bit of make-up or straighten my hair, but just that it has never been my natural preference or more simply because I think that there are better things in life which are worth worrying about than looks!

3)
Sometimes, (mind you, only sometimes) I want to believe that examinations should be done away with. I know there is no other parameter to judge merit other than exams (in whichever form). But the way exams are held in DU forces me to think that way. Firstly, exams are conducted exactly after 6 long months after the session starts, (which obviously means that we study only for the last 15 days and forget everything the day they end) and also because most subjects are useless. In brief, I believe that exams in DU are a pointless crap.

4) I love eating. But hate continental and French cuisine. Love spicy Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Mughlai, Punjabi and Rajasthani dishes. But my all time favorite has been ,and always will be, mouth watering South Indian, the dosas, the idlis, the vadas, the coconut chatny , the uttapams, the sambhar…all of these are my weaknesses. Yummmmm:P mouth watering…..yeah yeah people! I am a complete foodie, but please don’t take me as a glutton!

5) I can be rude at times, in fact, many a times. But the best part is that I always realize that I have been rude and go and apologize IF it is my fault. I do agree that till recently it wasn’t this way, but I have changed.

6) My roommate is the worst roommate in this whole big round - round world. But I also don’t deny that this experience with my first ever roomie has taught me lot of patience.


7) My father is my role model. (Though I have never told this to him!) and he is my biggest support system. Without him, I’d be nowhere. And my only dream is to fulfill all dreams that he has seen for me…my daddy strongest J

8) The best thing that has ever happened to me is learning French. I am in love with this language. Yes yes! It IS my first love people. Given a choice, I will like to pursue all my padhai in French, I sooooooo love the language. Whoever said, “it is the prettiest and most romantic language in the world”. I have all reasons to believe it!

9) I hate hill stations. I feel nauseous. I like the sea. My best ever memory of a beach is NOT juhu chaupati ppl (in fact, it is the dirtiest beach on the earth). It’s the Mediterranean! I haven’t seen as blue a sea, as flawless an expanse of salty water ever before. It was formidable!

10) Maggi and Cadbury dairy milk are by far the best inventions of mankind.

11) I love fabindia..its the perfect place to shop....fr gals....and guys too:)

12) I still don’t understand why I am doing B.Com honors. It is the most vella course on this planet and I still regret my decision of not taking up Eco honors. *sob sob*.

13) No matter how irritating my bhai is. He is the most wonderful person on earth. He is the cutest, the sweetest, the most understanding, the most annoying and the most caring bro on this earth, in this whole wide universe. ( but I would love it if he tries to chill out a bit!)

14) I do not understand people’s tendency of keeping an unhealthy competition. Arrey logon! Jo karna hai khul ke karo. Chhupate kyun ho? So basically, I really don’t approve of people who maintain double standards. Come out in the open and FIGHT IT OUT! Jo darr gaya vo mar gaya!

15)
I don’t like dogs, cats, lizards, rabbits, pigeons, sparrows , parrots, mice etc, neither as pets nor in general. I feel repulsive on seeing these creatures. Simply put, I am not an animals’ person. Bilkul nahin! I love humans!

16) I forgive very easily. I don’t forget that easily. In fact, I never forget. I firmly believe that we are all, after all, humans. And making mistakes is natural. As long as you realize your mistakes, you will be forgiven. Bas.

17) Till very recently, I never used to express what was in my mind. I have changed that completely. Now I do, or at least I try to. The last time I did, the consequences were really bad. But I still don’t think expressing yourself is such a bad thing.

18) I am growing my hair. I still cant figure out WHY? I mean, WHY THE HELL? It’s a complete mess and they don’t even look good. I don’t know why I cant muster the courage to get a haircut. After all, hair CAN grow back, cant they?

19)
Some of the qualities in my man should be – intelligent (I mean worldly wise), honest, loyal , understanding, and should not be all that bad looking (looks don’t matter much) ha! Am I asking for too much? I hope not. J

20) I have learnt tremendously in the past one year. Mostly about friendship. I value my friends. I don’t look for perfections in any of them. They are the only treasure I have and will love to keep till my death bed. Love you all loads! Muah!

21) I love traveling.My trip to Japan and France have been two of the most enlightening experiences for me. I would love to be a globe- trotter one day!

22) I love kids. They are the most innocent. And I love being innocent.

23) My mom is the best. Need I say more?

24) I need to reduce weight. Big time! High time! I hope to do that asap! *alarm alarm*

25) I wish I could continue writing more. Oh wow! I just realized how self obsessed I am. I wish this 25th had not been reached so quickly. Koi baat ni. Its My blog…. To be continued…

p.s. its almost a crime to read this and not comment...ppl now that i have written jst a bit of what i know bout myself, its time fr u to do the same.....i mean...write whatever u know about me....WHATEVER...jst let it not be very vulgar in order to save my blog frm any profanities.....so go ahead...look, am giving you all a brilliant chance to say what u think about me..(given that in general i hardly ever let u talk:D)............

allez alllez...

Broken heart....Broken wings...

When the hands that touched me once
Turn to somebody else
When the fingers that caressed me once
Sooth somebody else
When the lips that kissed me once
Give jitters to someone else
When the eyes that looked into mine
Turn away and stare into somebody else’s
When the touch that comforted me once
Comforts somebody else
When the words that praised me once
Are showered on somebody else
When the flowers that made my life fragrant once
Fill somebody else’s life with fragrance
When the smile that brought me near to him once
Is gifted to somebody else
When the promises which made me dream
Give the same dreams to somebody else
When the shoulders on which were shed my tears once
Are for somebody else to cry on
When the beautiful moonlit night that was my perfect date with him once
Turn into somebody else’s delight
When the beach side walk with him once
Becomes somebody else’s privilege
When the wind that blew across our face once
Blows across his and somebody else’s
When the moments that were mine and his once
Are shared by him and somebody else
When life which was you and me = we once
Becomes you and her = you forever……
Then my heart cries
But my tears have dried
I pretend, I bear a smile
I act, I wear a mask
I am ashamed, but I hold my head high
I am sad, but I laugh out loud
I am in pain, but I swallow it hard
I am dejected with life, but I stay there
I am angry with God, but still keep my faith
I curse my deeds, but still remain hopeful
For,
When the heart that beat with mine once
Cannot beat with somebody else’s
For,
The broken heart is still with me and with me forever
For,
I have two pieces – mine and his;
Mine in my heart and his…..in my soul…

P.s. i dont know why i have this title...:)

Beginning of an end or end of a beginning????

i dont know. i really dont know. because i am confused. no! confusion relates not to my feelings , but facts and circumstances prevailing. We met. ok.....let me not talk in terms of "we", first let me talk about "I". i met her at a time when i most needed her, when my life was in such a phase where i needed someone i could cling on to, someone i could cry with, someone i could share my world of secrets with, someone who would just be there for me. i simply needed a friend, a true friend. not those shallow bastards i had come across till now during school days. i needed to fill a void in my "unhappening" life. and she came at an appropriate, most opportune time---when i was in a new city,- new people, new college, new surroundings and new everything used to bog me down. we lived in the same hostel yet we were never on talking terms for along time. hey! no! not because i disliked her or anything but just because we simply didnt click, i mean never got a chance really to explore each others' company. but gradually as it happened, i dont know how, but it did. we started talking, as a matter of compulsion , not as a matter of choice, we being in the same class. discussions relating to our academics slowly turned to discussions relating to our families, friends, boyfriends, likes , dislikes.. and this is how it started to change between us-me and KASHISH.it's our story.slowly we discovered we disliked the same kind of people, we hated bitches, we hated cheap men, we hated ONS, we hated the same teachers and we hated the colege, we hated the system and we hated wasting ourselves in that stupid college. we LIKED reading romantic novels, we lked watching the same movies, we liked eating at the same place, we liked being studious, we liked chilling out, we liked being loved, we liked the same brownie at CCD, we liked the same burger at mc Ds, funny!! but so veryyyyyynormal for two ppl to just like the same things but these two were different, always.they were also very different from each other. she loved listening to music at high volumes, me at low. she liked spending lavishly on clothes, i didnt. she liked attending KK concerts, i didnt. she liked insulting ppl she didnt like on their face, i didnt. strange it was.but they were still pretty close. yes! at a time when we both needed each other the most, we CLICKED! we became the bestest buddies in a matter of just 6 months. it was almost like we were long lost friends destined to be together. (its so sttrange vaise....sometimes you take a lifetime getting to know someone and sometimes just a few months do the job perfectly for u)this is how it went- from the early wake up call in the morning to the good night hug at night- we were together 18/24 hours in a day. we used to stick on to each other-getting ready for college, going to college together, catching the rickshaw together, sitting together in clas, attending the same seminars and lectures, poking fun at the same teachers, roaming around in the market together, drinking together, hanging out together, eating together, shopping together, fighting over trivial matters together...together, together, together...phew! the very thought of staying away from one another used to kill us both.....now here is the time for an honest confession--she was one of the truest friends i made in my life, probably the only one. i could get so close to someone in so little time was something i never thought would happen to me. she came as a Guardian Angel, stood by me through the worst phase of my life, stood by me, laughed with me, cried with me, bore with my screams, my irritating mood swings, my constant nagging over petty things and all my poor habits.but who was to know it would all change one day? for can there be happiness bereft of gloom? can there be dawn sans a dusk? can there be true friendship withoit separation? i dont know. now kashish is in her hometown. she has a medical problem, a weird one at that- some brainlayer gets misplaced, some swelling happens and she has a constant headache. she sometimes suffers attacks of numbness. i feel bad for her, truly sad. she is in pain, but she would never tell. yet she knows her parents might not allow her to come back to delhi. i fear the same. and this is from where i start becoming selfish. i want her back because i cant live without her, i want her back in delhi with me because i cant imagine spending the whole day without her, i want her because i need her,i want her because i dont want to compromise on our friendship. i want her because i want to fight with God. i want her because i'm selfish. but deep down , i ask HIM this question....why do you have to make these deep bonds when your ultimate aim is to snap them, tear them apart? why do you give such friends when all you want to do is take them away? why do you show us an illusionary world when reality is far from it? why? why? why?questions reamin unanswered, disappointment deepens in the haert. doubt remains lingering. pain reaches more profound destinations. tomorrow.....with you or without. nobody knows. but this one is a tribute to my best friend:thank you for being what you arethank you for being with methank you for standing by methank you for making me laughthank you for sharing and caringthank you for understandingi never want you awaybut accept as i may whatever comes my way, i think i need you to know...true friends are never apart, maybe in distance but not in heart.P.S. is it the beginning of an end or just an end of a beginning...i would love to think it's the latter.P.P.S. i miss you Kashish. Get well soon. i pray...thats all i can do...

Rockstar senior!!!

when you newly enter college, you are usually supposed to have a crush on someone...batchmates, seniors, or even teachers...
i had one too.
this guy , i looked at him for the first time and found him to be the more sophisticated people around. given that the usual crowd of college was roudy, noisy, hep n happening, or even worse..the champu, nerd, jackass type crowd. (like duh! its srcc after all. what else do u expect?:)
so ya, on this one i had an immediate crush. i called him "intellectually hot".
his demeanour was reserved (or so i thought), his style of eloquence was perfect, as if coming from a well read man. each word , it seemed came out after a lot of thought process, weighing each connotation. the way he walked was perfect, full of confidence, "i dont give a shit to the world, but yeah, if need be, i do care for all" attitude.
yes ppl! i had a major crush on him.
soon, when i got the opportunity to talk to him(that was because we both were in the same societies of college), many pre conceived notions were wiped off.
firstly, the misconception about him being reserved disappeared into thin air quickly. he DID talk ppl, but intelligently.
secondly, the whole notion of him being a show off and a snob also faded because after all, i discovered that he too was one of them....funloving and happy going.
lastly, my views on him being "intellectually hot" remained there. intact.
man, he was university topper in frst two years of college, was an amazing debater, excellent actor, even director etc etc.
gradually when our conversations increased, my crush was over. i dont know why , but it was.
ok maybe i know why.
thats beacause i have a policy in life....when i respect somebody exclusively for his intellect, i dont keep a crush on him. i only keep it to respect. he becomes somebody i always keep admiring and learn from.
so now that abhimanyu is about to leave college, i will miss one of my most respected seniors i had ever come across. i may never have told him how much i used to look up to him, but now that he is about to step into his new life, i wish him all the very best in life. and also curse him for leaving college a boring place again, i mean left with not so great seniors anymore.
i want you to go to LSE abhimanyu, (of course only if cambridge, oxford etc dont happen). i will finance it dont worry. haha . main bond hun!!!.
here's wishing you all the success in life....and much more.
do great! rock the universe!
conquer all! aur haan...wil miss your cheek-pulling! :)
loads of luck!
rock on!

P.S. this little note was written when i was just going over in my mind the happenings of the past one year in college. i thought this was tthe most intersting part in my not so hapening life these days. thought of titling it as "tribute to abhimanyu" earlier but thought it to be too sombre later.
so here goes....rockstar senior:)
truly, u rock !

Pas de Raison...

I try to reason out in my head. I try very hard. I go over the whole series of events again and again. I make a mental picture of the pros and cons , the pitfalls and the positives, the shortcomings and the triumphs. Or should I say I TRY to at least. But I fail and fail miserably, horribly, pathetically. Because I CANT reason it out. For, how can you reason out love? How can you reason out reasons for love? How can you reason out a “break up”? How can you reason out “end” of a relationship? How can you reason out a long beautiful relation? How can you reason out separation from that someone special? How can you reason out that are far from being reasoned out by us immortals.
How can you reason out something even God failed to?

Love: an ambiguous term, very complex. More than a million definitions. Not one universally accepted. And good enough.
Now look at this one;
Break up: yes! One definition and solely one- end of a relationship.
Strange! Very strange! Just one stupid , “arrogant”, overpowering and superior definition of something that hurts, over something that gives pure joy and nothing else. I CANT reason it out. I WILL not.

I was asked many times-“ Meenal, why do you love me?” My answer each time would be –“ I don’t know!” now this might have sounded to him like I am confused, unsure of staying with him., unsure of love. But who was to tell him that I loved him because I had no reason. And was happy that way. Who was to tell him that o extracted pure joy out of just being “US” and not out of the materialistic pleasures? Who was to tell him that my love was reasonless, Not baseless.? Because my basis of love was his happiness. Just one smile on his face and I could die for it…………….SO….was I living in extremes then? Maybe! So, was I impractical? Maybe! Was I just living in illusions? NO!!! because I knew my love was real., in this real big, bad world. This love gave me happiness boundless. This love gave my life a meaning. This love gave me infinite dreams. This love gave me countless memorable experiences. This love brought me closer to the Divine. This love taught me to forgive…

But hey! Why the hell am I talking in past tense???
Is it all a distant reality to me? Absolutely not! No, because this love is as close to my heart as anything can be. This love is not my past, but my present and my future. This love hasn’t turned into “hatred” over just one random night because he made some mistakes and so did I ; or whatever the “reasons”. This live hasn’t died just because on one random day we decide to “break up” and “end” the relation. This love hasn’t ceased to be love just because some harsh words were exchanged and goodbyes said. This love IS STILL love for the purity of the feelings involved.

Ok now, I the truth is that I haven’t stopped loving him, even though I may fail to “reason it out”. I do. But now there’s a difference. The difference is small. The difference is this- pre-“break up”, there were things we both in some ways expected from each other; post- “break up”, there are no expectations. I love him but I don’t expect him to love me back. I love him but I don’t need him to reciprocate. I love him but I don’t possess him. I love him but I don’t wait. I love him but he is still not with me. I love him but I am happy to see him from a distance-happy and cheerful and successful. I love him but expect no companionship from him. I love him but demand no answers. I love him but I don’t choose to. I love him. It’s a Divine decision, I know. I love him and I forgive him…

There is solace in forgiveness. AND there is reason for forgiveness, unlike love, where there is none. And the reason for forgiveness is loveJ. When you love someone deeply and without a reason, you usually forgive. When you love someone without choosing to, you forgive that someone too.

Whoever said and said so correctly “ You never choose to love. If you could, life would be much simpler but far less magical…”
Totally agree. So, for the magic of it all, I am here….still in love.
---
In love forever….:)

P.S. the title's french...meaning "reasonless"

What use love?

Sparks flew the first time Aviral laid his eyes on Avantika. They were just 16. The moment he saw her, he knew they were made for each other. They were going to be the perfect couple, he thought. They were going to spend the rest of their lives with each other, he imagined. They will fight with the world to be together always, he concluded. Yes, it was love at first sight for the both of them.
As it happened, there was initial reluctance on their part for quite some time. Both were shy to start a conversation. She hoped she could just bump into him and talk at least a few words of “sorry” or “excuse me”. He dreamt that she would come up to him one day and ask for a pen or a pencil or a paper or a screw or a nail or anything, no matter what. (he could bring for her stars from the sky). But both sides were wary. Then one fine day finally, Aviral mustered the courage to walk up to Avantika and talk. Her happiness knew no boundaries. She could almost faint. She was standing in a group with her friends when he strikes a conversation, (or at least tries). But Avantika is lost in her own world. She was dumbstruck. Words failed her. She kept on staring at Aviral. She kept on gaping. Not a word from her. She kept her gaze fixed on Aviral when he was talking to her other friends. He is so perfect, she thought. He is the one for me. He is my Prince charming. He is the king of my heart. I am in love with him. She was lost in her thoughts when, “ Avantika, what do you have to say about it?” asked Aviral. She had no clue what he was asking. She just gave him a smile, later on thought it was dumb. THIS was their first “conversation”.
Liking was from both the sides. Maybe it was only infatuation. But gradually they started talking to each other more comfortably. Over a period of time, to the envy of many, they became the best of buddies in school. He was year senior to her. For some time, Avantika had forgotten about the “love” element (or maybe she just wanted to). Aviral had not. For her, he was the perfect friend (or so she tried to believe). For him, she was the perfect soul mate.
Then came the day. He proposed “Avantika, I love you. Will you be mine?”. She took a long pause. Then said ‘ Aviral, its going to be almost a year since we have been liking each other. Over the years, this liking has only grown. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. I knew the same was true for you too. I could not abstain myself from talking to you. Hence we became very good friends. Today, you are someone who knows me inside out, even better than I know myself. But there’s a problem. ……. I cannot say yes to your proposal. No matter how much I hate to say this but the truth is that if I say yes to you and my parents discover, you will be a dead man. And probably, I ,a dead woman. I cant risk it all because I love you too. My parents will never be able to digest the fact that their daughter can have a boyfriend. They are too orthodox. For them, love does not exist. And I have accepted it as my fate not to love anybody. But trust me….i have betrayed my own faith. I did fall in love with you no matter how much I tried not to. It was beyond me. And today when I have to say all this to you, I hate myself. I know I have hurt you. I know I am a traitor. But I just hope you understand. I love you Aviral. I always will. But this is our destiny. The sooner we accept it , the better it is.”
Aviral had tears in his eyes. All he said was “Avantika, I love you and I will always wait for you”
Since that day, they didn’t see any more of each other. A friendship had died. A love had passed into oblivion.

Ok now you might be thinking from where I gathered the idea of narrating a random story to you. The idea is this: Avantika is a very good friend of mine. And I have seen her through this trauma of loveless love. I have seen her crying day and night for Aviral. I know she loves him endlessly but will never see him again. She chooses not to. If she does, the consequences are all known to her. And Aviral too loves him dearly….still. It has been almost 2 years. Aviral hasn’t dated any other girl. He will not. I know. For, his love is so pure. He is waiting , waiting in anticipation. But she will not come. Perhaps he knows it too, in his hearts of hearts.
Oh what a love!
I think this is the most beautiful form of love ever created by God.
Both have it in them, just that they cant give it to the other.
Hoping they could reunite one day, if not in this birth, maybe in some other. I know they will. For love never dies. It will manifest itself in some other form.
Till then, Avi and Avatika, ….. keep loving!

P.S. I think there is a huge sacrifice made by these two humans. But what use this sacrifice, if the fruit will not be sweet. I fail to understand why parents fail to understand love. I fail to understand this hatred towards love marriages in our society. I fail to see why this trend of arranged “forced” marriages in our society. Why should Avantika be bereft of love, this I don’t understand. Why Aviral should keep waiting indefinitely, I again don’t understand. Perhaps I never will. What pathos of love! a

What Happens when...

What happens when hope dies?
What happens when that single ray of light coming from a hole in that deep dark tunnel suddenly disappears?
What happens when you wake up in the morning only to find out that life has lost all meaning?
What happens when each moment you breathe, you feel deeply heavy on the inside? What happens when all fragrances change into odors?
What happens when all you want to do the whole day is cry?
What happens when the beautiful dreams that you once saw turn into nightmares and far fetched distant unachievable heights?
What happens when you want to say a1000 sacks full of words to someone but somehow the courage shies away?
What happens when all you want to do is slap someone right across the face but somehow the opportune time never comes?
What happens when reality suddenly dawns upon you and you feel helpless?
What happens when you feel you have been locked in a small, suffocating, dark, dingy, damp room with no air and only vacuum?
What happens when demons start haunting you?
What happens when sweat trickles down your forehead by the very thought of that person?
What happens when all you can feel is thorns and more thorns but not roses?
What happens when each memory kills you?
What happens when you feel cheated?
What happens when you lose interest in everything you do and everyone you meet?
What happens when you realize that life is not after all a bed of roses?
What happens when you want to love but cannot?
THIS happens:
You breathe but don’t live;
You smile but you are never happy;
You sing, but the song is not yours;
You dance but the beats are not yours;
You touch but the feel is not yours;
You say but the words are not yours;
You play but the game is never yours;
You win, but the victory is not yours;
You achieve but the success is not yours;
You enjoy but the moments are not yours;
You cry and even the tears are not yours;
You survive but the heart is not yours….
(for, your heart has long been gone, long been taken, long been played with, long been broken, long been shattered, long been spit on, long been made to lose its identity…)

I wish...

I wish my dreams weren’t broken,
I wish I could re-dream.
I wish my world wasn’t shattered,
I wish I could rebuild it.
I wish my life hadn’t stopped,
I wish something could keep me going.
I wish my tears hadn’t dried,
I wish I could cry a little more.
I wish my happiness wasn’t taken away,
I wish I could smile still.
I wish my trust wasn’t broken into pieces,
I wish I could rejoin the pieces.
I wish my hope wasn’t mutilated,
I wish I could hope against hope.
I wish the flowers hadn’t died,
I wish I could water the orchids again.
I wish the song hadn’t perished,
I wish I could sing the song again.
I wish the sky wasn’t dull,
I wish I could still see a rainbow up there.
I wish the birds weren’t caged,
I wish the pigeons could fly back again.
I wish the rain drops hadn’t dried,
I wish I could dance in the rain again.
I wish the books weren’t mundane,
I wish I could enjoy them again.
I wish the moon hadn’t stopped glowing,
I wish we could see it together again.
I wish the stars hadn’t stopped twinkling,
I wish they could sparkle on us again.
I wish all colors hadn’t turned black and white,
I wish I could paint my own canvas pink again.
I wish my life hadn’t gone,
I wish I could live with my life again.
I wish my words hadn’t died,
I wish I could say them again.
I wish the courage hadn’t disappeared,
I wish I could muster it back again to tell you…
That I still love you…
I wish I could…

Love is you and me...

It all started when I was only 16- innocent, immature and gullible. Little did I know the repercussions , little did I realize the consequences then. But then, who does when they are falling in love? Yes, it was a journey I always wanted to embark, a road I always wanted to travel. I always wanted to fall in love. No! not because there were so many couples around me in high school but because I had read about it, love. Its pure they said, its magical. Yes! That’s the key word. Primarily for the joy of experiencing the magic, I wanted to fall in love. Don’t mistake me as being a romantic or anything. I was just a dreamer, a big one at that. Every night before falling asleep, I used to visualize myself in the arms of that one man I could love and love for eternity. Yes! I waited for my prince charming. This might seem like the story of any young girl my age. But who said it isn’t? what I am writing here is not to express some out of the world story of an extraordinary girl. What I am narrating here is just another experience of an ordinary girl which changed her life forever…
Yes, this is my story. I, Meenal, who heard no bells ringing in her head when her prince charming came into her life, or should I say…quietly crept in. I had just entered high school and he was new in school. Unconcerned, with an ‘I don’t give a damn to the world” attitude, I was always one of the most happy-go-lucky types girls. When I saw him for the first time in school, I didn’t react. … No! not because I didn’t feel for him, but mainly because I didn’t feel anything at all. He was just another guy who had newly joined the school I had been studying in for the past 12 years. I was like a boss then. MY school, I said. That’s perhaps all I recall of seeing him for the first time. (excuse me for not specifying details, that’s because of my poor memory). Then, ….as I said, I heard no bells ringing, no orchestra, no bands. He came quietly, we started talking as a part of some school project we had taken up together. All this while when we interacted-in library, in computer labs, in the canteen, outside our classrooms(we were in different sections) etc etc, I never got a hint that he liked me in THAT way. You know what way I am talking about. Gradually, we started seeing more of each other. In my case I wanted to because I just like his company. in his case, reasons were different. How was I to know that he had been trying to know my feelings for him all this while when our conversations increased? (this he told me later). We talked about a lot of random things, mainly our project, he used to pull my cheeks and my leg (hey! Not literally). I was all very nice and fancy. Then came the day…October 5. I clearly remember even the time. But of us were sitting in front of a computer in the computer lab of the school., working on the project. Then he starts off…yes, those were the moments of happiness, those were the moments of absolute bliss. He proposed. I said yes. Now, this is what marked the turning point of it all. Honestly, when he proposed, I had no clue what it meant to be a girlfriend to a boyfriend, what it means to be “going out”, or “dating” or “seeing each other”. All these were just too fashionable terms for me. But from that day on….mind you. FROM that day on, I started falling in love. Initially I just enjoyed his company. Now I started loving it. Mind you, there’s a major difference between the two. Day by day, with more “I love yous” exchanged and more secrets shared and more of each others’ life history narrated to each other, it became intense. I started becoming his worshipper. Its too big a word with too big a connotation, I know. But that’s true, I respected that man for whatever he was, whoever he was and moreover, howsoever he was-good or bad.
The initial days were fine. But then came a very testing period. Both of us, as I mentioned, were in high school and had a lot of career building lying ahead of us. So, with mutual understanding, he decreased his frequency of coming to school since he had his science tuitions to attend. Arey bhai, after all he was preparing for IIT. Anyway, for me, it wasn’t the same. I attended school regularly. I was a “commercie: you know. He used to come to school once in every week or sometimes 10 days. Our telephonic conversations weren’t too great either because of the fear of our parents(you know how it is , don’t you?). so, meeting after days together used to be a delight, a celebration in its own way. Life was very well then, very good, very unpredictable, for we didn’t know where we were headed. All I knew was that I was now deeply, madly, crazily in love with this one man; this one man in the whole world I could die for, I was living for and this one man who was my prince charming, the king of my heart. In a way, being with him gave me an inspiration to study, I studied really hard, of one thing I was sure…I had got addicted to him. Again a big, heavy word. But true. Truest to the core. For around a year and a half it was like this. I remember everything-our first hug, our first gift, first fight etc etc.
During all this while, life was very rosy. We were going through the most crucial (in terms of studies) period of our lives. But you know how it is; when you have someone you know you can hold on to, it makes all the difference in the world. As our examination time neared, our conversations decreased to a bare minimum. But love became stronger, much stronger…or so I thought…and wanted to believe.
But no…life was to take a different turn altogether. After he was done with all his major exams,(let me remind you that I was free after my high school exams, he wasn’t. he had other competitive exams to appear for) , it seemed to me that he cut all contact, no phone calls etc. I didn’t want to believe it. In fact, I never even thought about it. But it was all very true…and happening! Yes, distances started growing between both of us. I tried contacting him after a while. All he had to say was “lets meet”. We did. Who knew that meeting would be devastating? After almost two years of being in a relationship, all he had to tell me was “ ok Meenal, I don’t think we can carry on. I have too much of a family pressure. I cant see how I can be committed to you”. Sky fell on me. I knew no reason. I had no reason. But all was said and done. “WE” were over. I cried, but of course. But I wondered how easy it was for him, not so for me. something inside me still told me that we would be back together. Then, as fate would have it, we met again, in a train this time. We were both headed towards Delhi, sitting in the same compartment. (oh sorry! I forgot to mention before that we had both made it to our dream destinations in Delhi). He comes, apologizes and over the next few days, we were back together, back to normal, I thanked God because brains prevailed. But it wasn’t to last any longer. We “broke up” once again, we “made up” once again too. In all these times, he had only one thing to say to me-“Meenal, I’m confused”.
I used to ask myself this question every time he said this to me. Why am I not so confused? Why can I be so committed when he cant be? But I didn’t blame him, for it wasn’t his fault, this confusion. He called it the standard male fear of commitment. He kept coming back to me, I kept accepting him. In a way I understood everything-his anxiety, his frustration, his dilemma. Yet I was helpless. I could not do anything to make him feel better. All I could do was be with him, which I was, irrespective of whether we broke up or not. Despite all this, I knew one thing for sure-that I am going to stand by this man through the thick and thin, through the joy and the pain for one sole reason that I loved him. For, how could I snap this relation which was that of love- pure and unadulterated, pious and religious for me. I did not. I could not.

Now This happened when we were together, going fine. He calls, breaks up. December 19. and we split. But this time there was a difference. The difference was this- we split forever. I knew he will not come back this time. All he said was “ Meenal, I am by nature a butterfly, I am confused. I cant ruin your life by being with you. Goodbye.” Devastated yet again I was. I was falling apart. So easily said, so effortlessly, with so much conviction. Not ruin my life????? Who was to tell him that m life had already been ruined. For me, whose life was intertwined with his. For me, who had accepted him as her soul mate, as her better half. At that point in time, on the spur of the moment, in the rage of words, I told him that I hated him. But now when I introspect, I know. How can you hate someone you have loved so devotedly and religiously for so long, for a lifetime almost? How can you hate that someone who filled all the empty spaces in your life, that someone who made your life special, that someone who meant the world to you, that someone who you worshipped, that someone who was Divine to you? How can you just “get over” (another fashionable term) that someone who was everything for you?

If loving someone is getting over someone after a while, then I hate love. If loving is hating someone after a while, then I hate love. If loving is snapping love, then I hate love. But I know this isn’t love. For, loving is loving someone forever. For, loving is not “getting over” someone but overlooking his mistakes. For, love is not for the other to define. For, love is for you to define. For, love is you and me. For, love is for eternity…

P.S. you never fall out of love, you always fall IN it. Oh! How true…you always “fall” in love, never rise…you have to…